I brought Elle into Mike's office today, as he wanted to show her off to co-workers (some of whom had met her, while most had not), and it was a joyous day with lots of love. Most were jabbing at Mike: "She's got your hair!"; "Nah, she looks like mom - thank God!"; "Too cute! You sure she's yours?" All in good fun. And while it's not easy for me to take compliments, it was nice to hear many (especially the women) say: "You look great!"; "3 months? Wow, couldn't tell." And yet, there have been many (especially women) over these past 14 weeks or so, also commenting: "You look great! Are you breastfeeding?"; "Congrats on the baby! You look amazing! You must be breastfeeding."
Now, for those not yet moms/parents/deciding on parenthood, or for anyone without close family/friends who have experienced such comments, let me explain the italics above. Note: an interpreted condescension. Believe what you read, but I take such insinuations about my weight loss post-baby, as slightly passive-aggressive remarks towards my (parenting) life choices. Without getting into a "to breastfeed or not breastfeed" debate, I have chosen to nurse my daughter. I don't plan on going past 6 months or so, and certainly not past 12 months. That's not for me. But to listen to the words "you-look-great-must-be-the-breastfeeding," I merely hear "no-way-you-could-have-dropped-the-weight-without-nursing."
In truth -- this is all probably too much of my own soap box and inner reflections since being at home with a totally nonverbal infant. While I am thrilled for my time with her at the moment, I don't often engage in much conversation during the day unless Ellen is on, or Windsor throws in a playful bark or two. But I take offense to these comments. There, I said it. I take them as judgments -- and while they are likely self-judgments and reflections of the very women who state them -- they have caused me to be a bit on the defensive regarding my postnatal transformation(s).
Yes, breastfeeding undoubtedly helps increase the decrease of weight after a child is born. [Apparently it can burn up to 500 calories a day.] Granted, I am not a calorie counter (have not ever been), and I supplement enough with formula at this point that I am unsure as to what percentage of my dietary intake is in fact 'burned off' via whippin' out the boob. That said, I am grateful for whatever is has done for my body. However, my choice in breastfeeding is simply another personal decision among many to help maintain/implement my weight balance and loss. I choose to breastfeed, but I also choose to exercise. I choose to eat well. I choose to keep a sense of mental and emotional well-being in my life. All of which is done to the best of my ability day by day, and it is by no means a result of any one choice that I have come within 3 or 4 pounds of my pre-baby weight. Furthermore, even if I hit the magical number of pre-baby lbs, who is to say my sizing in clothing is the same?! Gravity works on even the youngest mothers...
For any woman who has gone through child-bearing trials and tribulations with pre/during/post baby weight, I commend you. It's a tough journey! I'm in no way finished. I also chose to eat and exercise well throughout my pregnancy; which is more than I can say for some of the outspoken females commenting at my expense over the last year or so. When we were telling people that I was pregnant, I would explain the nerves of going through such a physical change. My mother-in-law said it sweetly: "Carly certainly don't worry yourself throughout this journey with your weight. In any case, 9 months on, 9 months off." It was a nice gesture to remind me that time helps with most situations, including reaching long-term goals. I am happy to know that my good choices and hard work before, during, and after have assisted this transition. And I am happier still to know that I will probably not ever be totally satisfied - and thus will continue on making as many good choices as possible.
So as far as future comments regarding this baby weight biz, I will try to acknowledge them as my yoga instructors encourage me to acknowledge passing thoughts during meditation or the practice: "Treat them as fleeting objects, and take note of their existence. Eventually, like geese flying above you in the sky, you will notice them, and then they will fly further away until you don't notice them any more."
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Left, Right
Shoulder angels. Remember them from the movie Emperor's New Groove? There is an angel on one side, and a not-so-nice-devil-like being on the other. I think everyone has these little guys, or conscience, which portrays itself in one's own way to encourage and confuse the weighing of daily decision making.
I think of my shoulder "Carly's" this evening, after making a delicious breakfast-for-dinner plate composed of scrambled eggs with sausage & veggie fixings, and a side of some bacon slices; this meal is followed by what I referred to as "needs to be eaten" cake. Can't let it go to waste! My sister-in-law was visiting this weekend and as her birthday is tomorrow, I wanted to make her a dessert she enjoys to help with early celebrations. My shoulder naysayer popped up tonight right after I ate the treat, and nudged my heart strings whispering, "Gym?!"
Yes, the internal gym suggestion was as much a dis as it was a treat. Until Elle was 3 months, it was something I went to more occasionally when Mike was free to watch her. Fortunately now we can add her on as a little mini member, and I can bring her during the day to get this post-pregnancy butt back into gear. There have been nice days and weeks with warm weather to get walks in, but as the leaves turn and breezes caress the face, these walks are a heavy mix of leisure and a desired, accelerated heart rate. The few yoga classes I've been to have also been cleansing, but I am ready to sweat. If only to not buy a whole new wardrobe...
Hopefully even more than a physical transformation will come out of my being able to bring the girl to the daycare at our gym, and as Thanksgiving calories loom, I am thankful in advance to have a supportive husband who loves me and my bodily transitions at any time. And the menu of our first family holiday in PA will hopefully maintain an exciting and well-rounded spread of gobbling grub.
GRATEFUL and GROWING.
I think of my shoulder "Carly's" this evening, after making a delicious breakfast-for-dinner plate composed of scrambled eggs with sausage & veggie fixings, and a side of some bacon slices; this meal is followed by what I referred to as "needs to be eaten" cake. Can't let it go to waste! My sister-in-law was visiting this weekend and as her birthday is tomorrow, I wanted to make her a dessert she enjoys to help with early celebrations. My shoulder naysayer popped up tonight right after I ate the treat, and nudged my heart strings whispering, "Gym?!"
Yes, the internal gym suggestion was as much a dis as it was a treat. Until Elle was 3 months, it was something I went to more occasionally when Mike was free to watch her. Fortunately now we can add her on as a little mini member, and I can bring her during the day to get this post-pregnancy butt back into gear. There have been nice days and weeks with warm weather to get walks in, but as the leaves turn and breezes caress the face, these walks are a heavy mix of leisure and a desired, accelerated heart rate. The few yoga classes I've been to have also been cleansing, but I am ready to sweat. If only to not buy a whole new wardrobe...
Hopefully even more than a physical transformation will come out of my being able to bring the girl to the daycare at our gym, and as Thanksgiving calories loom, I am thankful in advance to have a supportive husband who loves me and my bodily transitions at any time. And the menu of our first family holiday in PA will hopefully maintain an exciting and well-rounded spread of gobbling grub.
GRATEFUL and GROWING.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
awakening
I am, as they would say, awakening myself back into this world. Of life. Of a blog-o-sphere. Of connecting! To myself, and on a more global scale, my self. Seeing that my last post was in the spring of this year; oh my, how time flies! And much has changed. Mike and I moved into our house - with flying colors. We have been able to move in, host a couple get-togethers, create rooms which have since created more of a "homey" feel to the place, making the whole situation real. We have bought a house. Incredible! Mike's tenacity in saving dollars, and supporting my dreams of doing so at a young age has really transformed 2012 to be an amazing year.
We had our daughter. A first child! Incredible yet again. She sleeps for the moment, and I can get back to writing somewhat. She is three months already, and it's as cheeky as others will tell you - the time goes soooo fast. Her name is Elliot, or Elle, for short. Her middle name is (as we would also like the middle names to be for additional children) a family name: Alexander. It was my paternal grandmother's maiden name, and subsequently the middle name for my dad and his siblings, and most recently my sister, Sara. It carries great meaning as any family name would for us; Mike and I plan on choosing those which are not only nice phonetically, but nice sentimentally as well. My grandmother, who I literally knew as "Grandmother," was an amazing woman. Warmhearted, spunky, classic. Something any little girl would be lucky to grow into. So here's hoping young, Elle.
To say those would be all that happened over the course of many months would be silly, but clearly the major happenings. Parenthood is in many ways just as I imagined, but in more ways nothing like you read up on. Particularly, Mike and I went through some of the hardest times in our relationship as we ever have. In all honesty, up until those moments, we have had an unusual 8 years together in that we rarely fought. And when we had done so, it was more like pushing buttons and encouraging something to feel like we were in the midst of anything 'normal' compared to many friends. Like how most would probably describe their own fights, I can't remember any of significance now (this is likely because they were ridiculous in the first place). But the anger, stewing, and disappointment in the fights we've had since Elliot was born, are more impacting. It's most likely the fatigue and frustrations from a newborn that help feed the intensity of such arguing; so this was very new to us. To me. I don't normally hide my feelings with Mike by any means, but I was discovering such disappointment about myself as a new mom, that I couldn't grasp also how the two of us were putting ourselves in what was possibly a detrimental place compared to everything that we had built over nearly a decade together.
No fear, we have surpassed this drama, and are now really in an even better position than ever. Mike has had the chance already to spend some quality alone time with Elle and recognize that his compassion in being a father really is there. His worries about achieving something so grand at such a young age, in accompaniment to living up to the title of "Dad" which he never earned with his own father, have probably not totally disappeared. But his ability to calm her, make her giggle and talk, keep her in his thoughts throughout the hard days back at work prove to me that he will be nothing short of remarkable as a parent. As I always knew. As I always knew I would have in my life partner. This creature, this being made from our love, has given us more than happy times. She has exposed the doubts and fears that give us realness we could never repay. Although we may try.
And as motherhood flows inside me in a most natural thought-process, the actions are still a learning curve, and will probably always be so. Patience and flexibility are values I preach, but are harder still to embody when I am so routine. Practice, practice. And no time like the present: little Elle is waking up from her nap. Good to be back!
We had our daughter. A first child! Incredible yet again. She sleeps for the moment, and I can get back to writing somewhat. She is three months already, and it's as cheeky as others will tell you - the time goes soooo fast. Her name is Elliot, or Elle, for short. Her middle name is (as we would also like the middle names to be for additional children) a family name: Alexander. It was my paternal grandmother's maiden name, and subsequently the middle name for my dad and his siblings, and most recently my sister, Sara. It carries great meaning as any family name would for us; Mike and I plan on choosing those which are not only nice phonetically, but nice sentimentally as well. My grandmother, who I literally knew as "Grandmother," was an amazing woman. Warmhearted, spunky, classic. Something any little girl would be lucky to grow into. So here's hoping young, Elle.
To say those would be all that happened over the course of many months would be silly, but clearly the major happenings. Parenthood is in many ways just as I imagined, but in more ways nothing like you read up on. Particularly, Mike and I went through some of the hardest times in our relationship as we ever have. In all honesty, up until those moments, we have had an unusual 8 years together in that we rarely fought. And when we had done so, it was more like pushing buttons and encouraging something to feel like we were in the midst of anything 'normal' compared to many friends. Like how most would probably describe their own fights, I can't remember any of significance now (this is likely because they were ridiculous in the first place). But the anger, stewing, and disappointment in the fights we've had since Elliot was born, are more impacting. It's most likely the fatigue and frustrations from a newborn that help feed the intensity of such arguing; so this was very new to us. To me. I don't normally hide my feelings with Mike by any means, but I was discovering such disappointment about myself as a new mom, that I couldn't grasp also how the two of us were putting ourselves in what was possibly a detrimental place compared to everything that we had built over nearly a decade together.
No fear, we have surpassed this drama, and are now really in an even better position than ever. Mike has had the chance already to spend some quality alone time with Elle and recognize that his compassion in being a father really is there. His worries about achieving something so grand at such a young age, in accompaniment to living up to the title of "Dad" which he never earned with his own father, have probably not totally disappeared. But his ability to calm her, make her giggle and talk, keep her in his thoughts throughout the hard days back at work prove to me that he will be nothing short of remarkable as a parent. As I always knew. As I always knew I would have in my life partner. This creature, this being made from our love, has given us more than happy times. She has exposed the doubts and fears that give us realness we could never repay. Although we may try.
And as motherhood flows inside me in a most natural thought-process, the actions are still a learning curve, and will probably always be so. Patience and flexibility are values I preach, but are harder still to embody when I am so routine. Practice, practice. And no time like the present: little Elle is waking up from her nap. Good to be back!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
a love letter to my husband
An email I wrote to Mike about a week ago. He's going through a grueling week of work these next four days, and I just want everyone to see the power and strength he has in himself to succeed - for his own personal goals, and his family ambitions. He supports me in everything I do, and I only ever hope to do the same throughout each day we spend together.
I love you, Mike. <3
Hey goob -
I just wanted to write and let you know that I am so in love with you.
Sometimes it's hard for me to say goodnight to you when you're not in
the bed, because it feels like goodbye. I know that's silly - I just
love knowing you're there to keep me warm, safe, and like a wonderful
woman. You've made me the happiest woman to know I am fulfilling a
life-long dream of pregnancy and bearing our child made from that
love.
The house we live in is so wonderful, and it would not have happened
without your hard work. The 5 years you're coming up to at GE is
remarkable - in the speed 5 years took to the time you really spend at
the office, which has probably felt more like 6 or 7! I am so proud
of you, and so glad that you are fulfilling life choices you have set
your mind to as well. Earning a good job, turning it into a hopeful
career, and becoming the man of the house/husband/father-to-be you
envisioned.
I hope that these next two weeks go well for you at work, with the
workout and getting the project up and running. Always more to do,
but you take it in stride. You get onto your work computer at any
time of night and move through what's in front of you. You still take
the time to get your dessert/ice cream and enjoy the NBA game on,
because you are so good and recognizing the big picture. You give
yourself the time and energy to be a part of your successes and I look
up to that. It can be too easy for me to get wrapped up in the little
things that I believe are 'holding me back,' and I just have to
remember to turn to you and breathe in/breathe out.
I am so thankful for you, and I am thankful for the work we put into
our relationship. It makes it rich, and it makes it ours. Have a
good day today, you're doing wonderfully in so many things. Continue
being yourself and all will be well.
See you tonight,
Your adoring friend, wife, and rock,
Carly
I just wanted to write and let you know that I am so in love with you.
Sometimes it's hard for me to say goodnight to you when you're not in
the bed, because it feels like goodbye. I know that's silly - I just
love knowing you're there to keep me warm, safe, and like a wonderful
woman. You've made me the happiest woman to know I am fulfilling a
life-long dream of pregnancy and bearing our child made from that
love.
The house we live in is so wonderful, and it would not have happened
without your hard work. The 5 years you're coming up to at GE is
remarkable - in the speed 5 years took to the time you really spend at
the office, which has probably felt more like 6 or 7! I am so proud
of you, and so glad that you are fulfilling life choices you have set
your mind to as well. Earning a good job, turning it into a hopeful
career, and becoming the man of the house/husband/father-to-be you
envisioned.
I hope that these next two weeks go well for you at work, with the
workout and getting the project up and running. Always more to do,
but you take it in stride. You get onto your work computer at any
time of night and move through what's in front of you. You still take
the time to get your dessert/ice cream and enjoy the NBA game on,
because you are so good and recognizing the big picture. You give
yourself the time and energy to be a part of your successes and I look
up to that. It can be too easy for me to get wrapped up in the little
things that I believe are 'holding me back,' and I just have to
remember to turn to you and breathe in/breathe out.
I am so thankful for you, and I am thankful for the work we put into
our relationship. It makes it rich, and it makes it ours. Have a
good day today, you're doing wonderfully in so many things. Continue
being yourself and all will be well.
See you tonight,
Your adoring friend, wife, and rock,
Carly
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
to each her own?
I've got quite the update to express before beginning on this blog...
Mike and I have purchased our first home (!) and despite the time lapse between postings here, it happened within what felt like minutes. We had started our search in the beginning of January - meeting with a referred realtor and compiling our "definitelys" and "maybes" and "no ways" regarding the initial group of listings she sent our way. Our apartment lease isn't up until the middle of May - so we figured, January, perfect. Plenty of time to start the search.
So, we organized our near 20-home search and spread the listings out over 2 days. (20 was a lot to see in one weekend, but it was our first search, and we had narrowed the 17 or so down from 90 choices, so we felt pretty good about it!) That Saturday, as we're about a third of the way through searching houses, we were finishing up in one of the listed homes, pretty begrudgingly. We had not only walked into a house that was in use, but literally at that moment in use with tenants, or whomever lived there at the time - 2 young adults, their toddler, and their dog - watching the T.V. and eating lunch. We anxiously avoided them, trying not to say out loud what we were thinking (good or bad), and meandered upstairs and outside to take it all in. (Fortunately, this scenario was not the norm as we searched that weekend; at least if the houses weren't vacant, the owners were not present to judge our judging!) Leaving fairly disappointed with the situation, but more so with the house, we got into the car and decided to drive a different way around the neighborhood.
And now, let a little fate commence. However we want to "explain" it, we were leaving the area down an adjacent, quiet street and saw a 'For Sale' sign outside of what appeared to be a darling single family home. Our realtor pulled the car over and then in the midst of calling the seller's realtor, the (assumed) owners walked out the front door. "Perfect!" our realtor exclaims while jumping out of the car, simultaneously putting the other office on hold to speak with the kind couple who just left their house. They were leaving for another showing they were expecting within 30 mins, and said we could of course make our way inside before the other group came by. By the time they left and our own realtor got off the phone with the other, we were already falling for it - and this was just looking at shutters and siding in the afternoon sun! We also were able to confirm why the house had not fallen in within our initial listings; just that day the property had dropped $20k to within our price point: jackpot.
In short, it didn't take much more than the moments outside and a few on the interior to know this was the benchmark by which all of the other planned listings would be measured. We went back on Monday night to get in our 2nd viewing (really just to be in the presence of the home we loved again!), made the offer Tuesday, had a quick and easy negotiation point over Wednesday/Thursday, and scheduled the inspection on the following Sunday. Yes. 8 days between sight and sign, and boy, were we sold!
Amidst this crazy, serendipitous process, something else magical was happening, adding to the excitement and chaos of house-searching...I confirmed shortly before we started looking for homes that I was pregnant. We kept mum until the "safe" 12 week period or so, but knowing that a house was indeed ours (pending mortgage approval and the fun of closing), the pregnancy news was nothing but extraordinary to share. It is our first, and as 2012 has shown already, the baby will be welcomed into a year of other firsts (home, new town), and welcomed into lots of love -- this truth made very clear after we made the calls and sent the emails to family and friends with news that a little one is on the way.
So, like I said - lots of news to share before getting to the meat of my rant, today. With the new house and the new pregnancy, would it be anything but reality and fantasy mixed together unless others' opinions began flooding our mental inboxes (Mike's and mine)? When you have news to share, usually no matter how small, someone has got a similar experience, or has got a 'friend of a friend' whose experience is something to note. This little anecdote meaning that, with the big news of home and baby - WHOOSH! In came the "did you know?'s" and "have you thought about?'s" ?????
"To each her own" is something I want to put across while writing this post, because it's a belief I have as a human being, a global citizen, a woman, a partner/spouse, a future clinician, etc. To harness and evaluate equally all the incoming information (medical, professional, or layman) regarding the baby, in particular, would be cruel and unusual punishment to my psyche and my heart. Regardless of this being my first pregnancy, some other mothers have informed that the opinion-pushing from their friends, family, colleagues, and doctors doesn't stop after the first: people have always got something to say.
Now, as a counselor, I would look at someone's remark (i.e. about natural childbirth vs. the epidural; the working vs. stay-at-home mom; to vaccinate vs. not vaccinate) and say, "with what intention does this person make such a statement?" or, "from what piece of their past/background does this opinion stem?" As a woman, and a mom-to-be, I kinda just feel like saying "thank you, I hear you, now move along!" Honestly, even when it's something I agree with, sometimes the intention feels disconcerting. For instance, it is my goal to experience natural childbirth (until otherwise medically necessary during labor), and if a friend has said "yes, it's 'natural' for a reason, and every mother should try like you!" This is not a fair statement in my eyes. I am hoping that this experience is something I can endure (physically and emotionally), but it is my experience; and with the discussion with a supportive partner, Mike, we can make this decision based on our rights and wants and needs as a family unit. Not every mom should be doing anything. Except, of course, doing what her body, mind, and soul should - and that is whatever is personal and individual to her.
I can't explain this much more without getting political or adverse to acknowledging outside discussion (and with all the other campaigns constantly surrounding us, let's leave that to other more interested folks), but what I can say is to each her own. Or "his," or "their," or "our" -- in whatever way possible -- let the parents be the parents. We will not always be in agreement with our friends or family about the choices we make, and this goes for entities outside of the world of parenting. But what we can do as humanely possible, is listen to what they choose and try to understand or at least appreciate it as their decision. And, if they do seem to actually question what they are saying that they want, perhaps then our opinions may be of use.
Just be kind. With however you view another's lifestyle, be kind, it is not yours. At first we may see it as uneducated, but to me the differences are often out of what we choose to know. The medical world may never fully agree with a more holistic world. And vice-versa. I practice yoga, put faith into meditation and mantras, and believe that our female bodies were built to bear children. But this doesn't mean every woman should have children nor that every woman that does needs to avoid C-sections or pain medication at all costs to her well-being (her whole well-being). I also believe that ill-trained medical professionals can lead their practice through the guise of fear, which causes many women to believe that C-sections (for example) are the only intervention when labor gets tough. But whatever she (being the sister, friend) decides as her entrance into motherhood, she is entering Motherhood - something I value as one of the most remarkable stages in a woman's life - and she is bringing another life into the world. Let us not tarnish the new life by acting out as a part of the world that is immediately on guard or defensive.
Let us make the most of this new life by opening our arms and our minds wide with acceptance and love.
Mike and I have purchased our first home (!) and despite the time lapse between postings here, it happened within what felt like minutes. We had started our search in the beginning of January - meeting with a referred realtor and compiling our "definitelys" and "maybes" and "no ways" regarding the initial group of listings she sent our way. Our apartment lease isn't up until the middle of May - so we figured, January, perfect. Plenty of time to start the search.
So, we organized our near 20-home search and spread the listings out over 2 days. (20 was a lot to see in one weekend, but it was our first search, and we had narrowed the 17 or so down from 90 choices, so we felt pretty good about it!) That Saturday, as we're about a third of the way through searching houses, we were finishing up in one of the listed homes, pretty begrudgingly. We had not only walked into a house that was in use, but literally at that moment in use with tenants, or whomever lived there at the time - 2 young adults, their toddler, and their dog - watching the T.V. and eating lunch. We anxiously avoided them, trying not to say out loud what we were thinking (good or bad), and meandered upstairs and outside to take it all in. (Fortunately, this scenario was not the norm as we searched that weekend; at least if the houses weren't vacant, the owners were not present to judge our judging!) Leaving fairly disappointed with the situation, but more so with the house, we got into the car and decided to drive a different way around the neighborhood.
And now, let a little fate commence. However we want to "explain" it, we were leaving the area down an adjacent, quiet street and saw a 'For Sale' sign outside of what appeared to be a darling single family home. Our realtor pulled the car over and then in the midst of calling the seller's realtor, the (assumed) owners walked out the front door. "Perfect!" our realtor exclaims while jumping out of the car, simultaneously putting the other office on hold to speak with the kind couple who just left their house. They were leaving for another showing they were expecting within 30 mins, and said we could of course make our way inside before the other group came by. By the time they left and our own realtor got off the phone with the other, we were already falling for it - and this was just looking at shutters and siding in the afternoon sun! We also were able to confirm why the house had not fallen in within our initial listings; just that day the property had dropped $20k to within our price point: jackpot.
In short, it didn't take much more than the moments outside and a few on the interior to know this was the benchmark by which all of the other planned listings would be measured. We went back on Monday night to get in our 2nd viewing (really just to be in the presence of the home we loved again!), made the offer Tuesday, had a quick and easy negotiation point over Wednesday/Thursday, and scheduled the inspection on the following Sunday. Yes. 8 days between sight and sign, and boy, were we sold!
Amidst this crazy, serendipitous process, something else magical was happening, adding to the excitement and chaos of house-searching...I confirmed shortly before we started looking for homes that I was pregnant. We kept mum until the "safe" 12 week period or so, but knowing that a house was indeed ours (pending mortgage approval and the fun of closing), the pregnancy news was nothing but extraordinary to share. It is our first, and as 2012 has shown already, the baby will be welcomed into a year of other firsts (home, new town), and welcomed into lots of love -- this truth made very clear after we made the calls and sent the emails to family and friends with news that a little one is on the way.
So, like I said - lots of news to share before getting to the meat of my rant, today. With the new house and the new pregnancy, would it be anything but reality and fantasy mixed together unless others' opinions began flooding our mental inboxes (Mike's and mine)? When you have news to share, usually no matter how small, someone has got a similar experience, or has got a 'friend of a friend' whose experience is something to note. This little anecdote meaning that, with the big news of home and baby - WHOOSH! In came the "did you know?'s" and "have you thought about?'s" ?????
"To each her own" is something I want to put across while writing this post, because it's a belief I have as a human being, a global citizen, a woman, a partner/spouse, a future clinician, etc. To harness and evaluate equally all the incoming information (medical, professional, or layman) regarding the baby, in particular, would be cruel and unusual punishment to my psyche and my heart. Regardless of this being my first pregnancy, some other mothers have informed that the opinion-pushing from their friends, family, colleagues, and doctors doesn't stop after the first: people have always got something to say.
Now, as a counselor, I would look at someone's remark (i.e. about natural childbirth vs. the epidural; the working vs. stay-at-home mom; to vaccinate vs. not vaccinate) and say, "with what intention does this person make such a statement?" or, "from what piece of their past/background does this opinion stem?" As a woman, and a mom-to-be, I kinda just feel like saying "thank you, I hear you, now move along!" Honestly, even when it's something I agree with, sometimes the intention feels disconcerting. For instance, it is my goal to experience natural childbirth (until otherwise medically necessary during labor), and if a friend has said "yes, it's 'natural' for a reason, and every mother should try like you!" This is not a fair statement in my eyes. I am hoping that this experience is something I can endure (physically and emotionally), but it is my experience; and with the discussion with a supportive partner, Mike, we can make this decision based on our rights and wants and needs as a family unit. Not every mom should be doing anything. Except, of course, doing what her body, mind, and soul should - and that is whatever is personal and individual to her.
I can't explain this much more without getting political or adverse to acknowledging outside discussion (and with all the other campaigns constantly surrounding us, let's leave that to other more interested folks), but what I can say is to each her own. Or "his," or "their," or "our" -- in whatever way possible -- let the parents be the parents. We will not always be in agreement with our friends or family about the choices we make, and this goes for entities outside of the world of parenting. But what we can do as humanely possible, is listen to what they choose and try to understand or at least appreciate it as their decision. And, if they do seem to actually question what they are saying that they want, perhaps then our opinions may be of use.
Just be kind. With however you view another's lifestyle, be kind, it is not yours. At first we may see it as uneducated, but to me the differences are often out of what we choose to know. The medical world may never fully agree with a more holistic world. And vice-versa. I practice yoga, put faith into meditation and mantras, and believe that our female bodies were built to bear children. But this doesn't mean every woman should have children nor that every woman that does needs to avoid C-sections or pain medication at all costs to her well-being (her whole well-being). I also believe that ill-trained medical professionals can lead their practice through the guise of fear, which causes many women to believe that C-sections (for example) are the only intervention when labor gets tough. But whatever she (being the sister, friend) decides as her entrance into motherhood, she is entering Motherhood - something I value as one of the most remarkable stages in a woman's life - and she is bringing another life into the world. Let us not tarnish the new life by acting out as a part of the world that is immediately on guard or defensive.
Let us make the most of this new life by opening our arms and our minds wide with acceptance and love.
Monday, January 2, 2012
12
What a wonderful number, the number 12. First of all, it looks pretty. Straight, then curvy. A beautiful juxtaposition. Saying it aloud allows your whole mouth to be a part of the process -- First the tip of your tongue clacking against your front teeth to punctuate a "T," then the chin dips in a downward dive with pursed lips kissing the air to make a "W," your tongue has another exercise exploration in rounding out the beloved "L," and finally the famous move by Billy Crystal-aka-Harry in When Harry Met Sally "white-man overbite" to culminate the "V" of the word. Twelve. Say it, you'll see.
In addition to its tantilizing linguistic qualities, the number 12 represents a combination of other special characteristics, with its multipliers and divisors that I observe in my everyday life. I am from a family of 6, 1 of 4 daughters - though now I consider the other 2 female in-laws in my life to make it 6 girls between my families. There were 3 black pups romping around the Christmas clatter in Maine this year; there are 3 of us thus far in my own family with Mike and Windsor reigning in the new year with me. We had 2 guests visit us on the early eve of New Year's this past Saturday as Mike's sister and beau in tow went out of their way to see us and drop by with some good laughs and cheer. Subsequently, we had 6 friends join us for the Dick Clark special, some sparkling wine, and board games (of course). And at the stroke of 12 we welcomed in this new year of '12, sealed with a kiss or 2. We may not have been singing "Auld Lang Syne" (12 letters long), or continuing to chug champagne, but the mystical feeling that a new year had begun certainly made its way to my heart.
Some approach these new Januarys year-to-year with a fear -- a fear that whatever wasn't accomplished in the days before will haunt them in the months ahead. I suppose that is where resolutions first came from, the fear that we had to "be better" than before, and that it was appropriate when the calendars begin again to fully commit ourselves to goals that we probably could have been working towards all along. The Mayans suspect that this year, 2012, during the 12th month, on the 21st day (backwards 12), that the world is going to end. Do resolutions need to count more than ever if our time is less and less this year around?
I don't know that resolutions ought to be kept sacred for one time of the year. As I have come to know, we are in fact vehicles of our own successes, and the goals worth fighting for are usually the outcomes we meet with pleasure. Similarly, if we leave our fate up to the Mayans, or anyone else in our life that we believe decides our destiny, then we often greet such outcome with disappointment. Whether you encounter a horrible day or this year the world in fact does end, the legacy we leave behind should at least be composed of personal convictions of self-worth and growth, and not the murmurs of what others think of or for us.
Take 2012 on with gusto - as you should each coming year. Work hard and play harder. Spend time with friends and ignore those who bring you down. Do work with those who challenge you - but don't allow room for negativity to cloud the fact that you are trying your best for the kind of success you seek. We do not all search for the same results in our lives, and so our standards must be individualized; otherwise I could say "I should have/should be/should do" until it's 12 o'clock at night again and then repeat it begrudingly when I wake. My goals this year are to continue those from years' past and build up my life the way I have always envisioned: continue schooling (in and outside of the classroom), create a home whereever Mike and I are living, expand our family (in joy and perhaps little children beings), and appreciate the earth that supports us -- for however longs she chooses to do so.
Happy New Year, and health and wealth to all in each facet of life!!
In addition to its tantilizing linguistic qualities, the number 12 represents a combination of other special characteristics, with its multipliers and divisors that I observe in my everyday life. I am from a family of 6, 1 of 4 daughters - though now I consider the other 2 female in-laws in my life to make it 6 girls between my families. There were 3 black pups romping around the Christmas clatter in Maine this year; there are 3 of us thus far in my own family with Mike and Windsor reigning in the new year with me. We had 2 guests visit us on the early eve of New Year's this past Saturday as Mike's sister and beau in tow went out of their way to see us and drop by with some good laughs and cheer. Subsequently, we had 6 friends join us for the Dick Clark special, some sparkling wine, and board games (of course). And at the stroke of 12 we welcomed in this new year of '12, sealed with a kiss or 2. We may not have been singing "Auld Lang Syne" (12 letters long), or continuing to chug champagne, but the mystical feeling that a new year had begun certainly made its way to my heart.
Some approach these new Januarys year-to-year with a fear -- a fear that whatever wasn't accomplished in the days before will haunt them in the months ahead. I suppose that is where resolutions first came from, the fear that we had to "be better" than before, and that it was appropriate when the calendars begin again to fully commit ourselves to goals that we probably could have been working towards all along. The Mayans suspect that this year, 2012, during the 12th month, on the 21st day (backwards 12), that the world is going to end. Do resolutions need to count more than ever if our time is less and less this year around?
I don't know that resolutions ought to be kept sacred for one time of the year. As I have come to know, we are in fact vehicles of our own successes, and the goals worth fighting for are usually the outcomes we meet with pleasure. Similarly, if we leave our fate up to the Mayans, or anyone else in our life that we believe decides our destiny, then we often greet such outcome with disappointment. Whether you encounter a horrible day or this year the world in fact does end, the legacy we leave behind should at least be composed of personal convictions of self-worth and growth, and not the murmurs of what others think of or for us.
Take 2012 on with gusto - as you should each coming year. Work hard and play harder. Spend time with friends and ignore those who bring you down. Do work with those who challenge you - but don't allow room for negativity to cloud the fact that you are trying your best for the kind of success you seek. We do not all search for the same results in our lives, and so our standards must be individualized; otherwise I could say "I should have/should be/should do" until it's 12 o'clock at night again and then repeat it begrudingly when I wake. My goals this year are to continue those from years' past and build up my life the way I have always envisioned: continue schooling (in and outside of the classroom), create a home whereever Mike and I are living, expand our family (in joy and perhaps little children beings), and appreciate the earth that supports us -- for however longs she chooses to do so.
Happy New Year, and health and wealth to all in each facet of life!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
put a fork in me
I'm done. This week is nearly over (work-wise), and thus, Turkey celebrations can begin with family, friends, pets, and so on. The school semester is now a couple weeks away from its end too; although, don't let me ever fool you that I dislike being back in school. I am reminded often on the drive home after lectures (like the one last night) that I am finally en route to what will be fulfilling for me professionally. We hear as we age compliments of our skills or personality characteristics that others observe, and then apply to jobs they believe we would do well in: counseling (check), nursing, teaching, rehab, etc. For me, the human services field has always resided within me, but I couldn't tap its energy until going back to school. I couldn't make it my own reality until I realized I was the one who needed to be proactive and make the reality possible. Spending time babysitting throughout childhood, teaching preschool and toddlers, or taking on an RA position in college allowed me to exercise the skills I think benefit counselors today - including mass communication techniques with various personalities - but I never realized the personal benefit in exercising these skills professionally until I met my husband, who is someone that sought a mate who works alongside him in the relationship and in the workforce. Mike shares with me his desire to build up with another the intellectual and financial base for our future family.
We are going to try and have a child in the next year or so, and for most who know me, this is a dream I knew would come to fruition because it was a reality I've wanted since I was young. Regardless of what others have ever said about my abilities to listen and empathize (making it now seem possible for me to counsel others), 'motherhood' was always an innate sense of belonging I felt within myself and the surrounding spirituality of what life offers. I feel grounded and empowered when I envision raising children, alongside a partner and husband who supports our life together emotionally and physcially. It is a truth I have yet to experience, but the only truth in my life of which I am 100% certain.
I am thankful for the time I've shared with Mike over the past 7 years, and it is my hope we continue to support each other individually, in our independent dreams and aspirations, because this embrace will continue to foster the unity of our future family. I am thankful for traveling up to New England for the holidays again this year - both Thanksgiving and Christmas - because our families' time in NH and ME are limited. I am thankful for my sisters who have their own supporters in life, encouraging them to be the best versions of themselves and for my sisters to be secure enough in doing the same towards their partners. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning by growing up and growing outwardly through other philosophies. I am thankful for the "everydays" that remind me of the special people I get to see all the time. PA is becoming more and more of a home, rather than just an interim; and I am grateful for feeling rooted in our journey as we carry on.
What are you thankful for?
We are going to try and have a child in the next year or so, and for most who know me, this is a dream I knew would come to fruition because it was a reality I've wanted since I was young. Regardless of what others have ever said about my abilities to listen and empathize (making it now seem possible for me to counsel others), 'motherhood' was always an innate sense of belonging I felt within myself and the surrounding spirituality of what life offers. I feel grounded and empowered when I envision raising children, alongside a partner and husband who supports our life together emotionally and physcially. It is a truth I have yet to experience, but the only truth in my life of which I am 100% certain.
I am thankful for the time I've shared with Mike over the past 7 years, and it is my hope we continue to support each other individually, in our independent dreams and aspirations, because this embrace will continue to foster the unity of our future family. I am thankful for traveling up to New England for the holidays again this year - both Thanksgiving and Christmas - because our families' time in NH and ME are limited. I am thankful for my sisters who have their own supporters in life, encouraging them to be the best versions of themselves and for my sisters to be secure enough in doing the same towards their partners. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning by growing up and growing outwardly through other philosophies. I am thankful for the "everydays" that remind me of the special people I get to see all the time. PA is becoming more and more of a home, rather than just an interim; and I am grateful for feeling rooted in our journey as we carry on.
What are you thankful for?
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