a stillness.

Already into my second week of unemployment-by-choice, and it is an entirely different feeling than the antsy, I-need-to-help-provide-financially for our family kind of emotion, that was present last year when we first moved to PA. That period of time was only two weeks, and I can pretty much guarantee myself it will be far longer than a half month this time around. There are major differences, however, that make this "mini vacation" a little bit easier.


Firstly, the unfounding support of my (very soon!) husband-to-be is supremely appreciated. When you have faith from someone you love in your decisions - be it family or friends - it's amazing how you perceive your time, fulfill your days, and recognize the work that goes into being a stay-at-home someone. Secondly, though I try not to mess with her situated schedule of 10+hours sleep during the workday, we have a little one at home with me. Our dog, Windsor, has been a great companion for me, providing constant pestering...er....attachment and need for attention. Just at 8 months old, W is a reminder that the day is full of opportunity to play, walk, chew, lick, and sleep. Ahhh....sleep! Mike would like to think that I gain so much more shut-eye, and yet how much lazier would I feel?! Still, I don't shy away from getting up at eight o'clock to start the day; when was the last time that happened?


Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for work! As I told my neighbor the other night, the search has primarily been from within the walls of our apartment, so my headhunting skills have been a little bit on the technical versus face-to-face side. Not to mention, I was also searching for a job before I left the childcare center. With the support from previous supervisors, that was a decision made easier. And, thankfully, to this day I have yet to feel like any bridges have burned when I left a job. No lay-offs yet, and no one boss I felt I could not turn to for recommendation. I just had two of my former directors write letters towards my application to graduate school. Even my further education is up in the air right now, but I know its process will pan out to whereever I need to be. Speaking with family and Mike recently, I think part of my problem in searching for the "next step" in my life, is that I'm actually clueless to what that step will or should be.


During college I felt like the world was, as they say, my oyster. How could I not? Syracuse was large enough, eclectic enough, orange enough :) for me to delve into different aspects of study I had yet to ponder. Were I to go back now, I wouldn't hesitate to take an even wider range of classes, and stimulate parts of my mind that I am interested in advancing today. And honestly, that is part of the problem when that feeling of failure creeps into my soul search. If there was some sense of security and assurance in all of this, if I could actually pick a dream job and run with it, believe me I would. So many entrepreneurs associate the mantra, it's one life, go with your gut and your dreams. What if you have many? Do you dream them all into reality? Yoga is a part of my life that is a constant reminder to live presently. And even that extracurricular takes the occasional backseat. But when I return to it, I am enlightened yet again, feeling like the prolific oyster is ever attainable.


Somehow, the calm of my heart overrides my worries, and I remember that if I can truly apply myself to what I value and dream, than whatever result it is which fulfills me, will be enough. It will be the right choice. May that be studying as a full-time student again, or participating in part-time education with part-time work. It could be volunteering my mind and being to the benefits of non-profit organizations. I'm not desperate for the answer, but I am looking forward to pondering the questions to get me there.


Peace, love, and here's for hoping that everyone else keeps reaching for their own oyster!

up for a gamble.

So, I told work today. Time to tell you, too. Last day is later this month. Fortunately, any support one could hope for was offered, even from my immediate coworkers. Unfortunately, that can make you feel worse when you just want to be sure of your decision, and when a supervisor asks what she can do to convince you to stay....it makes you feel guilty and good at the same time.


Nothing lined up yet as far as future work. Of course, why yes I would love for that to fall in my lap, thank you! How many things do you really earn through chance? Through luck? 20%? 0%? Whatever it is you need to be a little proactive. And though I've been fishing for a few months, that by no means grants me the right to have anything yet. And while I do not, it doesn't mean that I haven't been granted the opportunity to get closer. Taking a gamble, but I believe that it will pay. For what better stroke of luck can you get than the one you make for yourself by trying.


Here's hoping, and here's doing. Glad now that I can devote the time and effort to achieve it! Some of the toughest decisions are the healthiest!