Coming near the end of the year, the arbitrary culmination of a calendar to which we humans subscribe, though Mother Nature and her other creatures carry on seamlessly, it becomes natural for me every 52 weeks to feel the presence of an emotional purge and cleanse. At times, yes, physical too - I have fallen into the trap of pressured resolutions including being another populate at the local gym on January 1. Becoming more active, of course, is usually an "up" compared to wherever you were before, so I can't knock anyone's real hopes for increased health and well being. But as I've noticed throughout 2013, my mentality (fluctuating as our recent weather forecasts in PA!) rules the power of my attitude and perspectives for upcoming goals.
I recently read someone pose the question: What if, instead of crossing items off our bucket list, we work in general towards becoming a better human? Much of what I found this year to be challenging my emotional and psychological harmony was that certain things, or certain events in my life were perceived to be "wrong " or "inopportune" along my path envisioned. So, when confronted with the roadblocks, my brain started to scramble and tears began to unfold. I truly believe in the universe giving us what we can handle, or at least, later on the lesson to what we might have questioned about a given experience; in the tough moments, however, this is difficult to remember.
Overall, I have fewer tough moments than precious and provocative ones. Part of which, is due to the ability to frame positively the goings-on in my life. Working with clients this year has significant challenged that, as I have written in other posts about comparing my work and my life, to their status and/or problems shared. But, being a better human is not about being better than. It's not about being "more" or "less" or even "equal" to the other. It's relative to only yourself. Just as we are responsible in our choices to be happy/sad/destitute/resentful/grateful, I will be better only by moving towards.
I deliberately say "towards" not "forwards," as I have found that progression in becoming better in anything includes some setbacks. This mantra is also often applied to the physical - weight and energy and my liking for my appearance is an ebb and flow, too. Emotionally and mentally, it doesn't seem any different. I have a tattoo on my ankle, a Chinese symbol representing "knowledge," to engage my ambitions of persistently moving towards. It reminds not only my right foot ;) but my soul that becoming better includes constant learning.
So, I hope this time of year brings as much joy to each of you as it does for me; I get all giddy in the nostalgia of family-laden festivities between Christmas and New Year's. Each has always meant more to me than the presents and sparklers. And I encourage joy for each of you, and to take hold of it wholly and purposefully when you get up every morning. Being better, can mean simply to be self-aware. Give yourself the choice and credit to own your feelings! You will be amazed with where they take you...
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
paradoxical
Sometimes motherhood is damn hard.
Phew. Like most tough things, but real things, this too can be good to get off the chest. I never doubted it would come with challenges; I worked with children for years informally and professionally, but at the end of a long day, even the frustrating children went home with someone else. And I can't deny that I haven't said it before - but more in passing or in jest, certainly not in such a serious tone that would identify deficit in one entity I was sure of all of my life. A tone that would prove guilt or failure - two major themes of my personal self-destruction over the years, and to confess to it fully would generate a catharsis by which I might not be prepared to stand.
The pressure of the word is large in itself. I actually just Googled "motherhood," and it includes the verbatim, boring phrasing: "state and/or quality of being a mother." And then, just thrown in all casual, I see by the relative quotations section: "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." [William Ross Wallace] Holy cheese, no wonder I am (and so many others) are in such a flustered flurry! "...that rules the world." ??? Okay, so his poem is in praise, but, come on. Us women - I, woman - fear most in life my own let downs. *Note: yes, most of that is still on me, outside of this subject alone, and for another post(s)/mental health professional to help me work through*
This morning, over your homemade eggs and cinnamon rolls, dear Elliot, you decided I was not to be a part of what was intended to be a family breakfast. Moreover, when I am struggling to put in your hair elastic - which, I'm sorry, may as well be an Olympic sport without the addition of you throwing your body around in the high chair like an ocean seal - you are also complaining to your Papa, trying to hit me, and sometimes bite. And this is the hard part on which I am already ranting?!?? Crap.
--------------------
Cut to 5:15 pick-up time.
My heart mellllllttttssss. With a knock-knock on the door to her classroom, I hear one of her teacher's sing, "Elllllee - who's here?" Surely both of us with eyes darting, searching the scene for one another, only to embrace with the glimmers in our pupils, and cheeks raised in smiles, dear Elliot, you squeal with glee. You sit kicking again in a high chair, although this time it is surely out of joy, and my body fills with it thereafter.
We sing together in the car ride home, talk and jibber-jabber about our days, like we're lifelong friends, and have escaped any sort of confrontation from the morning of (which perhaps, was in my own head). Paradoxical, motherhood is. On to a bath, splishin' and a'splashin', and finally snuggled up with some books to tuck her in. Feelings overwhelmed and deep breathing continues from other daily missteps, but this journey of being a parent is at least more understood for tonight.
Phew. Like most tough things, but real things, this too can be good to get off the chest. I never doubted it would come with challenges; I worked with children for years informally and professionally, but at the end of a long day, even the frustrating children went home with someone else. And I can't deny that I haven't said it before - but more in passing or in jest, certainly not in such a serious tone that would identify deficit in one entity I was sure of all of my life. A tone that would prove guilt or failure - two major themes of my personal self-destruction over the years, and to confess to it fully would generate a catharsis by which I might not be prepared to stand.
The pressure of the word is large in itself. I actually just Googled "motherhood," and it includes the verbatim, boring phrasing: "state and/or quality of being a mother." And then, just thrown in all casual, I see by the relative quotations section: "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." [William Ross Wallace] Holy cheese, no wonder I am (and so many others) are in such a flustered flurry! "...that rules the world." ??? Okay, so his poem is in praise, but, come on. Us women - I, woman - fear most in life my own let downs. *Note: yes, most of that is still on me, outside of this subject alone, and for another post(s)/mental health professional to help me work through*
This morning, over your homemade eggs and cinnamon rolls, dear Elliot, you decided I was not to be a part of what was intended to be a family breakfast. Moreover, when I am struggling to put in your hair elastic - which, I'm sorry, may as well be an Olympic sport without the addition of you throwing your body around in the high chair like an ocean seal - you are also complaining to your Papa, trying to hit me, and sometimes bite. And this is the hard part on which I am already ranting?!?? Crap.
--------------------
Cut to 5:15 pick-up time.
My heart mellllllttttssss. With a knock-knock on the door to her classroom, I hear one of her teacher's sing, "Elllllee - who's here?" Surely both of us with eyes darting, searching the scene for one another, only to embrace with the glimmers in our pupils, and cheeks raised in smiles, dear Elliot, you squeal with glee. You sit kicking again in a high chair, although this time it is surely out of joy, and my body fills with it thereafter.
We sing together in the car ride home, talk and jibber-jabber about our days, like we're lifelong friends, and have escaped any sort of confrontation from the morning of (which perhaps, was in my own head). Paradoxical, motherhood is. On to a bath, splishin' and a'splashin', and finally snuggled up with some books to tuck her in. Feelings overwhelmed and deep breathing continues from other daily missteps, but this journey of being a parent is at least more understood for tonight.
Friday, October 18, 2013
my neighbor's fence
"They bought what?!"
"She gets to stay home with her kids."
"Wow - they are going on another vacation!"
So easy to be a nosy nellie, a materialistic voyer sometimes. Be it of your friends, colleagues, coworkers, neighbors - even your family. Or is it just me? No, I'm pretty sure part of our human instinct is to drive for more, and yes, sometimes at the expense of our own appreciation for what is right in front of us. Maybe it's a survival method. Healthy competition. Striving to succeed by envying another's accomplishments. Envy is supposedly a deadly sin, but if it eggs on your determination and desire, maybe a little isn't so bad. But the thing is, how do you know when your envy has turned to jealousy, or turned completely to self-deprication?
Recently I (re)encountered a famous quote, with a unique and fresh twist applicable to today's lesson :) : "the grass is greener where you water it." I not only like this quote - I crave it and try to use it personally and professionally. For so much of my own life, I didn't fully understand the concept of self-care, or even personal accountability for my actions and reactions to a given situation, or social milestone. Being in love for the first time at 15 was the "deepest" love I would know, and then breaking up from him was my "most devastating" loss. I wouldn't ever again find the kind of love I envisioned when I was young.
I gained a bunch of weight after that breakup, turning to food for comfort and fulfillment. I began journeying quickly the defeating path of low self-esteem, poor body image, comparison. Sara Bareilles sings, "Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere." And so for almost four years that mindset kept me at a minimum. I was able to wade in my misery and justify my deficits by looking forward to a happiness that no Carly really deserved. Comparing brought on further sadness and pushed off any unattainable dream. But was this truthful? That kind of sentiment and self-loathing may feel valid enough to fill a void for a time, but I would gladly hug and tell that adolescent self with affinity and assurance now: "the grass is greener where you water it."
Working more today in the field of psychology, I am consistently reframing the negative-feedback mentalities of clients who lack what is viably most important in progress - faith in oneself, insight. Biologically, there is sufficient research supporting that depressed brains are different than non-depressed brains. Psychiatry can initiate for some to help the self-regulation of healthier cognitions and maintain a stability, if not also improve. Psychology can offer tools for clients to function in collaboration with the medication, and perhaps provide even more long-term effects of mindfulness through several modalities which stem from meditation, positive thought, and living presently. How very Zen, no? How very gracious and applicable to those seeking (or simply needing) empowerment by way of their own accountability. Their very own grass watering.
I don't believe, as noted above, that comparison is necessarily a bad idea all of the time. Like most things, moderation is a friend. It drives us, it feeds that ambition for more and general greatness. Mike (the forbidden love that I did not know I deserved as a ripe teen) will remind me that his actions and work for our family is to help us feel security and have the things he knows he wants to offer us. That work becomes his drive. In many regards, during our near decade together, I've acknowledged this quality about him, but did not mirror him in mindset. Maybe it's our asymmetry and balance of ideas or values that helps us work so well. But I've also noted our perspectives together act less like a see-saw, fluctuating between us, and more like a meeting of the minds.
Be it in your personal or professional realm, in your love life, your health, your wealth, consumption, or simple pleasures, do not fear the comparison or drive for more, but do remember you are where you are, and who you are only now. Graciousness can go a long way. It's not only the drive up or forward, but the reflection on those "below" or "behind" to appreciate my belongings and myself. I aim to grow, and with that I hope to be watering whatever I can to nourish and quench this soul.
"She gets to stay home with her kids."
"Wow - they are going on another vacation!"
So easy to be a nosy nellie, a materialistic voyer sometimes. Be it of your friends, colleagues, coworkers, neighbors - even your family. Or is it just me? No, I'm pretty sure part of our human instinct is to drive for more, and yes, sometimes at the expense of our own appreciation for what is right in front of us. Maybe it's a survival method. Healthy competition. Striving to succeed by envying another's accomplishments. Envy is supposedly a deadly sin, but if it eggs on your determination and desire, maybe a little isn't so bad. But the thing is, how do you know when your envy has turned to jealousy, or turned completely to self-deprication?
Recently I (re)encountered a famous quote, with a unique and fresh twist applicable to today's lesson :) : "the grass is greener where you water it." I not only like this quote - I crave it and try to use it personally and professionally. For so much of my own life, I didn't fully understand the concept of self-care, or even personal accountability for my actions and reactions to a given situation, or social milestone. Being in love for the first time at 15 was the "deepest" love I would know, and then breaking up from him was my "most devastating" loss. I wouldn't ever again find the kind of love I envisioned when I was young.
I gained a bunch of weight after that breakup, turning to food for comfort and fulfillment. I began journeying quickly the defeating path of low self-esteem, poor body image, comparison. Sara Bareilles sings, "Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere." And so for almost four years that mindset kept me at a minimum. I was able to wade in my misery and justify my deficits by looking forward to a happiness that no Carly really deserved. Comparing brought on further sadness and pushed off any unattainable dream. But was this truthful? That kind of sentiment and self-loathing may feel valid enough to fill a void for a time, but I would gladly hug and tell that adolescent self with affinity and assurance now: "the grass is greener where you water it."
Working more today in the field of psychology, I am consistently reframing the negative-feedback mentalities of clients who lack what is viably most important in progress - faith in oneself, insight. Biologically, there is sufficient research supporting that depressed brains are different than non-depressed brains. Psychiatry can initiate for some to help the self-regulation of healthier cognitions and maintain a stability, if not also improve. Psychology can offer tools for clients to function in collaboration with the medication, and perhaps provide even more long-term effects of mindfulness through several modalities which stem from meditation, positive thought, and living presently. How very Zen, no? How very gracious and applicable to those seeking (or simply needing) empowerment by way of their own accountability. Their very own grass watering.
I don't believe, as noted above, that comparison is necessarily a bad idea all of the time. Like most things, moderation is a friend. It drives us, it feeds that ambition for more and general greatness. Mike (the forbidden love that I did not know I deserved as a ripe teen) will remind me that his actions and work for our family is to help us feel security and have the things he knows he wants to offer us. That work becomes his drive. In many regards, during our near decade together, I've acknowledged this quality about him, but did not mirror him in mindset. Maybe it's our asymmetry and balance of ideas or values that helps us work so well. But I've also noted our perspectives together act less like a see-saw, fluctuating between us, and more like a meeting of the minds.
Be it in your personal or professional realm, in your love life, your health, your wealth, consumption, or simple pleasures, do not fear the comparison or drive for more, but do remember you are where you are, and who you are only now. Graciousness can go a long way. It's not only the drive up or forward, but the reflection on those "below" or "behind" to appreciate my belongings and myself. I aim to grow, and with that I hope to be watering whatever I can to nourish and quench this soul.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
perhaps i'm a teacher?
Summer hiatus! What can I say. With clinical begun in May, the work force/schedule a-changing due to office expansion, the day to day has become routine and cumbersome at times. Fortunately, we were able to sneak a week of family time in Maine, New Hampshire, and end it in PA for a "stay-cation" wrap-up. July included Yarmouth Clam Fest, re: diaper derby (!); this is a race for tots ages crawling and up, with heats, winners, and wow! the audiences! Much larger than anticipated and it was as hilarious as we could imagine. Not to mention that (un)fortunately Elle did exactly what we expected. Sat still. Yup! In her heat of 11 babes, just 2 moved forward, or at all, and were declared winner for the next round. Like usual, Elliot seemed content in just observing the scene.
NH we celebrated Mimi's 60th and had a surprise guest list and lobster dinner for her. E got to meet more new family members and enjoyed her travels, despite the constant car seat. Overall, she and Winnie as co-pilot were true champions. It was a nice switch up in the middle of this heat!
Today, though, as it has been off and on, was an autumn tease. Despite August being the "Sunday of summer," it was lovely to have windows open, spread mulch in the front yard among the annuals, and absorb cool breezes under the shade of our maple. Picked up lil E from daycare, splashed in the tub, and am now sipping on a pinot grigio with library read in tow for my next book club get together come October. Just needed a pumpkin spice latte to make this a real fall day!
Lastly, looking forward to the next 24 hours, because as of 7:44pm tomorrow evening, Elliot will be officially 1! As she itches to walk, there's not much to fear less the impending play of tag and chase! Can't believe what 365 days on this earth means for our darling daughter, and I am thrilled to discover what else she will become in the coming years.
NH we celebrated Mimi's 60th and had a surprise guest list and lobster dinner for her. E got to meet more new family members and enjoyed her travels, despite the constant car seat. Overall, she and Winnie as co-pilot were true champions. It was a nice switch up in the middle of this heat!
Today, though, as it has been off and on, was an autumn tease. Despite August being the "Sunday of summer," it was lovely to have windows open, spread mulch in the front yard among the annuals, and absorb cool breezes under the shade of our maple. Picked up lil E from daycare, splashed in the tub, and am now sipping on a pinot grigio with library read in tow for my next book club get together come October. Just needed a pumpkin spice latte to make this a real fall day!
Lastly, looking forward to the next 24 hours, because as of 7:44pm tomorrow evening, Elliot will be officially 1! As she itches to walk, there's not much to fear less the impending play of tag and chase! Can't believe what 365 days on this earth means for our darling daughter, and I am thrilled to discover what else she will become in the coming years.
Monday, June 3, 2013
green thumb in progress
Finally collected up some homegrown lettuce - salads abound! - and herbs tonight from the two, small garden beds we have in the backyard. Last year at this time, we had been in the house around a month, and we were gearing up for a week in NE where M and I call home to see family for a week. The garden then, as it unfortunately is now, was slightly slimmer pickin's than I intended; fortunately last year I had the lovely excuse of being a new homeowner and 7-month-along pregnant woman to not let it get to me. This year, the excuses rise from a 6-day week schedule, and, well, you know what I might say - no excuse! Let me just be gleeful that I harvested something tonight that will be a delicious accompaniment to some meals in the coming weeks. There is still much of a summer/fall to grow other yummies, and other years ahead to plot and plan more accordingly. Next year, even the lil' Elle bean can help rake and sow.
Without falling privy to the negative comparison of, and rather rise to the aspiration of my grandmothers and own mother - and quite frankly, my sisters and friends - I do intend on growing goods at my home for years to come. The food plants and vegetables seem more intuitive to me. Create dirt base, plant seed, wait and eat. The perennials, annuals, shade-forgiving, and sun-fearing attention to detail is less up my alley or intrigue right now. The seller of our house did us much good by taking care of overall landscape with low-maintenance nourishings. Hostas, rhododendron, daylilies, rose bush, etc...plants that even Mike and I would need more skill than not to harm their survival. And yet, I learn each year and each season the tricks that can help. Trimming plants down to keep them in line as the spring wears on, instead of waiting until the fall to contour them. Watering enough, but knowing that Mother Nature has her own special pours on hand. When in doubt, call your mom and ask :)
What's more, is the feeling of growing vegetables with the simple joy of doing it, and by happenstance reaping the benefits of good eats which economically are a good fit. Mike and I are in constant - aware, not anxious - communication about our monies and financial future as a family. As the two of us, it was easier to let things slide more often; but a pup and a baby can tack on unforeseen costs that don't slide away from our minds as easily! Minor, but helpful, the garden is a symbol of so many nuances: love, health, determination, and gratitude to name a few. Just as I am loving my library fix every couple of weeks for the escape into good reads, with the economic benefit and subsequent bonus of the nostalgic, musty aromas within the pages and binding. (Don't have an e-reader yet, and I believe I would find it a challenge to succumb to it.)
A lush life led here so far in PA, and we've so many seasons ahead to thrive!
Without falling privy to the negative comparison of, and rather rise to the aspiration of my grandmothers and own mother - and quite frankly, my sisters and friends - I do intend on growing goods at my home for years to come. The food plants and vegetables seem more intuitive to me. Create dirt base, plant seed, wait and eat. The perennials, annuals, shade-forgiving, and sun-fearing attention to detail is less up my alley or intrigue right now. The seller of our house did us much good by taking care of overall landscape with low-maintenance nourishings. Hostas, rhododendron, daylilies, rose bush, etc...plants that even Mike and I would need more skill than not to harm their survival. And yet, I learn each year and each season the tricks that can help. Trimming plants down to keep them in line as the spring wears on, instead of waiting until the fall to contour them. Watering enough, but knowing that Mother Nature has her own special pours on hand. When in doubt, call your mom and ask :)
What's more, is the feeling of growing vegetables with the simple joy of doing it, and by happenstance reaping the benefits of good eats which economically are a good fit. Mike and I are in constant - aware, not anxious - communication about our monies and financial future as a family. As the two of us, it was easier to let things slide more often; but a pup and a baby can tack on unforeseen costs that don't slide away from our minds as easily! Minor, but helpful, the garden is a symbol of so many nuances: love, health, determination, and gratitude to name a few. Just as I am loving my library fix every couple of weeks for the escape into good reads, with the economic benefit and subsequent bonus of the nostalgic, musty aromas within the pages and binding. (Don't have an e-reader yet, and I believe I would find it a challenge to succumb to it.)
A lush life led here so far in PA, and we've so many seasons ahead to thrive!
Monday, May 13, 2013
a place of YES
A place of YES is where I hope all my sisters, family and friends, and for those of you I don't even know, is a place I hope you can be, always. The idea behind it - as far as I understand and receive it - is that if we live in a place of YES, most of what we wish, want, desire, aim for, is possible. "Aiming to Grow" is something I titled this blog with the concept (although subconsciously) of YES in mind. If you look at the word YES, you might undergo what I do. A happy, positive, and uplifting feeling arises. I might even nod my head involuntarily, just by recognizing the y-e-s lined up in a row. This affiliation with good, encouraging thoughts, can help (re)create good, encouraging actions.
I am about to invest some serious time with my Master's internship. Truly - I see clients this Saturday! I am in for a year of chaos, curiosity, confusion, and hopefully some confidence thrown in from the start - derived mainly from being in this "place of the positive." It's not a mentality I could necessarily put onto clients right away. Experiencing something bad or traumatizing can make it difficult enough to seek therapy, without being confronted by the all-go-lucky counselor sprinkling verbal fairy dust all over you. It's not realistic. It doesn't depict the authenticity of a person who will help guide you to better change in a constructive way. And while I have even been told by professors and colleagues that my inherent belief that people are generally good could be a bias that prohibits me from viewing the therapeutic process most clinically, I know full well part of being a great therapist is by being yourself, in the room, with the clients, to develop a strong and trusting rapport. This, I'm afraid, means me, coming into the room with a pool of YES stirring from within.
The YES gifts were made by Elle - she hated doing it :). But damn if I was going to be sans crafts for this Mother's Day, and so she dealt with the paint and canvas blocks, and bath shortly after. Her hands helped create the YES I want to be a part of my family's lives, and the premise is certainly a push for what I hope my daughter can experience. I am only a mother because of my parents love for one another, and because of the way Mike has loved me, and has continued to shape who I am as a wife, lover, and companion. My dear Elliot, may you find the path of YES in your own little life, and know that I am determined to help you pave it in whichever way I can.
Let's all start believing a little bit more rather than living by any other negative, and see just how much change for the better we can actually create.
Monday, April 15, 2013
erotica.
With a glimmer caressing the eyelids, warmth transcends my flesh;
Drops of moisture quiver on every surface, tingling with hesitation and suspense.
A damp sensation erodes quickly any discomfort - at long last, my world is quenched.
Colors flash before me and hold my gaze,
Pinks, yellows, and sometimes blues feast upon hungry eyes.
I swallow hard the air which breathes so sweetly,
And I listen still to the calming sounds of wind and movement surrounding me.
Its presence is different now, larger than before -
More lively and seemingly more understood;
Certainly more appreciated even as the bosoms within my view undulate in fluctuation.
Come now! For I am accepting of your lush,
Your euphoria, in its pleasure and its pain -
Knowing all too well,
It is fleeting.
Ending too soon, so enjoy and embrace one another.
Richly.
Peacefully.
SPRING.
Drops of moisture quiver on every surface, tingling with hesitation and suspense.
A damp sensation erodes quickly any discomfort - at long last, my world is quenched.
Colors flash before me and hold my gaze,
Pinks, yellows, and sometimes blues feast upon hungry eyes.
I swallow hard the air which breathes so sweetly,
And I listen still to the calming sounds of wind and movement surrounding me.
Its presence is different now, larger than before -
More lively and seemingly more understood;
Certainly more appreciated even as the bosoms within my view undulate in fluctuation.
Come now! For I am accepting of your lush,
Your euphoria, in its pleasure and its pain -
Knowing all too well,
It is fleeting.
Ending too soon, so enjoy and embrace one another.
Richly.
Peacefully.
SPRING.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
The GOOD Life
It's one of those Sundays; it's the end to an always-short-but-must-always-be-appreciated weekend spent with the family. I recently read, "If we are right in our view and happiness is assumed to be acting well, the active life will be the best" -- ARISTOTLE. That guy was clearly, the man. Or, the philosopher, anyhow. With relaxation to boot, Mike, Elle, Winnie(!), and I all had our fair share of activity the past two days, and it feels so nice. On a physical, and psychological level. I went to a yoga class yesterday, with an instructor that I particularly enjoy, and she always knows exactly what the group needs when we come in. Most of the time, her humor helps lead us into the tough positions, and encourages those who might be fighting to keep up, to just laugh at the pose, and be grateful for their current state. I love her 'funny' method with regards to my state of mind during a good yoga practice, too. I found that yesterday, since I hadn't been in a few weeks to a class, that I was mentally pressuring myself to be calm, let go, and search within...whatever. She told some jokes while we're balancing on our toes, or with foot in hand during Dancer's Pose, and it helped knock that inner ego right out of my third eye, and just loosened the whole thing up -- my brain, and subsequently, my flexibility and pose. Go figure!
Mike went running with Winn on Friday, and we each took her on a jog this morning. There aren't many things in life that you participate in where undoubtedly you feel good/do not regret doing it afterwards, and exercise is certainly one of them. I might not always sprint the fastest mile, or lift the heaviest weights, but that heart-rate thing? The whole endorphins piece? Yeah, Aristotle was right. Action is best. It lightens my whole day, and I wish I had the nerve to wake up at 5/5:30a during the week to have this kind of happiness start my day; but I'll blame Elle for that one :)
The rest of our Easter will entail a little ham-steak on the grill with a soy-mustard-honey glaze, alongside some charred pineapple rings, kale and mushroom sauteed in bacon fat, and mashed sweet potatoes. Perhaps a glass of wine. And most definitely, some snuggling with a teething lil' babe, who is putting up her own active-fight on confronting the gum pains very, very well, all things considered.
And, by the way - April tomorrow?! Well, we welcome you, Spring!
Mike went running with Winn on Friday, and we each took her on a jog this morning. There aren't many things in life that you participate in where undoubtedly you feel good/do not regret doing it afterwards, and exercise is certainly one of them. I might not always sprint the fastest mile, or lift the heaviest weights, but that heart-rate thing? The whole endorphins piece? Yeah, Aristotle was right. Action is best. It lightens my whole day, and I wish I had the nerve to wake up at 5/5:30a during the week to have this kind of happiness start my day; but I'll blame Elle for that one :)
The rest of our Easter will entail a little ham-steak on the grill with a soy-mustard-honey glaze, alongside some charred pineapple rings, kale and mushroom sauteed in bacon fat, and mashed sweet potatoes. Perhaps a glass of wine. And most definitely, some snuggling with a teething lil' babe, who is putting up her own active-fight on confronting the gum pains very, very well, all things considered.
And, by the way - April tomorrow?! Well, we welcome you, Spring!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
tick tock
"Time is relative." That's what I've heard. And I can certainly understand it more now when I think of my lil' bean, Elle. She has been sick for almost 1 month now. The sniffles, the coughing, the acquired germ-filled days of daycare led her quickly to both pink eye, and then a double ear infection. :( But the time it's taken on her. Considering all this has happened within about 1 month, that's nearly 1/6 of her life!! Whoa - talk about relative. Mike, being sick for almost the past month is not any less annoying for him, but he can't say it's taken up such a percentage of his overall lifetime.
Time is also, as they say, "flying." Confirmed internship spot for the next year starting in May, which means 2014 graduation is available and in sight(!). Now just to gear up for being out of the house 6 vs. 5 full days by then...What's one more day, really? Hopefully this upcoming year then of clinical work will also soar...
Now to get some rest - with regards to losing that precious allotment of time this morning - I am definitely feeling the ZzzZZZZzz's coming on extra early...
Time is also, as they say, "flying." Confirmed internship spot for the next year starting in May, which means 2014 graduation is available and in sight(!). Now just to gear up for being out of the house 6 vs. 5 full days by then...What's one more day, really? Hopefully this upcoming year then of clinical work will also soar...
Now to get some rest - with regards to losing that precious allotment of time this morning - I am definitely feeling the ZzzZZZZzz's coming on extra early...
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Wood or Silverware?
I have a confession. I have been with someone while I have dated Mike. Quite clearly, myself; but also, another entity with whom this month indicates I've spent 5 years. All right, it's more of a knowing, or a meaning, rather than a thing or person...it's the practice of yoga! And apparently, on a 5-year anniversary, the traditional/modern gift is wood/silverware. Not sure what I could do regarding silverware for my mat, towel, and peaceful understanding of "Om," but wood is something I may be able to symbolically represent with this amazing love affair of mine.
I have all but one time practiced yoga on a wooden floor, which thus supported my mat/body. [The one outstanding practice was a park-group-meditation, pretty neat!] When I first began yoga, this wooden base offered me solace and comfort in child's pose, and the beloved, arguably most important pose of, Savasana (corpse's pose). It was something my first teachers reminded me of - that Mother Nature, the earth, and our Universe supports us if we trust in its knowing and foundation. So, in truth, the gift of wood is something that yoga has provided me time and time again. My presenting of wood to yoga, may have happened yesterday while the class attempted Vriksasana (tree pose). During this balancing sequence, my 5 years worth of yogic mindset and triumph across the various asanas allowed me to stand evenly, strongly, and proudly with arms raised high. Next week, I might not be able to lift my arms as such, or each leg on either side, but it doesn't matter. The "wood" of my tree balancing fluctuates just as any tree does in the wind, and just as any student of yoga understands that our practice must journey ups and downs, and even sideways at times! Below are some other most helpful lessons that yoga has taught me. In both my practice and in my life. If you have thought about taking up yoga, I would absolutely encourage you to do so! Its power is a self-realization, and how incredible is it to embrace the capability of internal empowerment?! Thank you, yoga; Namaste!
-exist within the present moment (you are already here)
-the hardest part of yoga is getting onto the mat (you are already here)
-embrace what is, and do not hurt yourself to reach a pose (or goal)
-meditate
-BREATHE
-sit with yourself more often to listen to your body
-the longer you sit with yourself, the more your body shares with you (and adjusts to feel at peace)
-let go
-mind and body are one
-BREATHE
-thoughts create action, and actions perpetuate thoughts (you are more in control of this than you may believe)
-embrace your creative side
-allow modifications to help your process
-push, but do not harm (yourself or others)
-you are resilient and capable of many things
I have all but one time practiced yoga on a wooden floor, which thus supported my mat/body. [The one outstanding practice was a park-group-meditation, pretty neat!] When I first began yoga, this wooden base offered me solace and comfort in child's pose, and the beloved, arguably most important pose of, Savasana (corpse's pose). It was something my first teachers reminded me of - that Mother Nature, the earth, and our Universe supports us if we trust in its knowing and foundation. So, in truth, the gift of wood is something that yoga has provided me time and time again. My presenting of wood to yoga, may have happened yesterday while the class attempted Vriksasana (tree pose). During this balancing sequence, my 5 years worth of yogic mindset and triumph across the various asanas allowed me to stand evenly, strongly, and proudly with arms raised high. Next week, I might not be able to lift my arms as such, or each leg on either side, but it doesn't matter. The "wood" of my tree balancing fluctuates just as any tree does in the wind, and just as any student of yoga understands that our practice must journey ups and downs, and even sideways at times! Below are some other most helpful lessons that yoga has taught me. In both my practice and in my life. If you have thought about taking up yoga, I would absolutely encourage you to do so! Its power is a self-realization, and how incredible is it to embrace the capability of internal empowerment?! Thank you, yoga; Namaste!
-exist within the present moment (you are already here)
-the hardest part of yoga is getting onto the mat (you are already here)
-embrace what is, and do not hurt yourself to reach a pose (or goal)
-meditate
-BREATHE
-sit with yourself more often to listen to your body
-the longer you sit with yourself, the more your body shares with you (and adjusts to feel at peace)
-let go
-mind and body are one
-BREATHE
-thoughts create action, and actions perpetuate thoughts (you are more in control of this than you may believe)
-embrace your creative side
-allow modifications to help your process
-push, but do not harm (yourself or others)
-you are resilient and capable of many things
Sunday, February 10, 2013
tabula rasa
A repeat post title (re: 1st post ever). But a very different and important blank slate.
Tomorrow I go back to work - a new job (yes, another new job) - and Elle will be put into full-time daycare. This is strange beyond many measures since I a) never thought my kids would be in daycare [certainly not full-time], and b) I have worked in childcare, so being on the other side of it is incredibly bizarre. I am lucky to have perceptions as the former teacher and as the new parent, since it helped Mike and me narrow down a center that we liked: safe, nurturing, creative, established, FUN. Even after the decision was made, were other precautions or nerves available to settle in, we quickly discovered one of the administrator's 2 future grandchildren will be enrolled there in the coming months. Has to be a half-decent environment if their own family is comfortable, right?! All in all, we are very happy with the choice, as tomorrow we'll be dropping her off.
Now, onto the idea of leaving her with other people. No, the idea of leaving her - period. Mike and I already teared up about it last night. It's already been laughed/joked about with the teachers there that she'll be more than fine, and we're the ones who are going to be the crying wrecks come drop-off. I had an amazing 6 months at home with Elliot, and am so thankful for the support from Mike, family, friends, and everyone else during that time. It wasn't always easy. It wasn't even always fun, but reflecting on it I wouldn't change a thing, and I can just imagine waking up tomorrow regretting going back to work and putting E in school all together! But, I digress, change is never easy. It takes work, it takes time, and it takes that support on which I just spoke from those surrounding you with love. Elle will have a blast with other children. She'll be stimulated by other toys and crafts and learning that wasn't yet accomplished in this house. And I, too, will be stimulated once again by business, adult speak, and working towards a life outside the home, in a career I have realized should be my own.
The office I will be helping manage is a mental health (hooray, the field!) office that serves clientele and their families who need psychotherapy with or without additional psychiatric care. The director's vision (whom I am quickly admiring) has always been to collaboratively work with other medical/counseling professionals to offer traditional and alternative health options for her clients. Prescribing medication can be a step towards recovery, but she believes most in working holistically with the client's daily living to help them create change (re: never easy, takes work, time, and support) towards a most healthy well-being. This vision, is a process that seems so simple, and yet with the financial downside of collaborating with other PCPs and explaining that the "splits" of insurance reimbursements between the medical/therapeutic components of this wellness plan behooves all parties involved, has not been so smooth. After 25+ years she has trudged towards this vision, many pieces are falling into place, and I will be a part of the administrative team helping maintain it, and helping it expand that much more. Exciting!
A 5-day week will turn into 6 come May, when I add internship hours on for good measure. Graduation is just over a year away, but the clinical experience will sum things up. I am nervous for the challenges ahead, and not just in my counseling path, but those within my family dynamic as well. It's one thing to start adding to the income-pot, but another to ask of my husband, yet again, to mold his day-to-day by taking care of Elle much more than he has up until now. Of course, being a great father and husband, to him it's not of much concern; it just takes creative scheduling. And communication, upon which our relationship has really blossomed. And for that, we are so grateful. I am so thankful for someone who helps me relinquish my doubts and fears out to the universe, an entity which simultaneously grants me assurance and bravery, so long as I am putting forth also those positive energies into the hands of our macrocosm.
For now, without thinking so far into the future or so distant into the world's empowerment, I will eat up this last "Mom-only" Sunday with our trio, and enjoy the nuances that make it so wonderfully ours. Who knew this life I imagined, would not only exist in my dreams...
Tomorrow I go back to work - a new job (yes, another new job) - and Elle will be put into full-time daycare. This is strange beyond many measures since I a) never thought my kids would be in daycare [certainly not full-time], and b) I have worked in childcare, so being on the other side of it is incredibly bizarre. I am lucky to have perceptions as the former teacher and as the new parent, since it helped Mike and me narrow down a center that we liked: safe, nurturing, creative, established, FUN. Even after the decision was made, were other precautions or nerves available to settle in, we quickly discovered one of the administrator's 2 future grandchildren will be enrolled there in the coming months. Has to be a half-decent environment if their own family is comfortable, right?! All in all, we are very happy with the choice, as tomorrow we'll be dropping her off.
Now, onto the idea of leaving her with other people. No, the idea of leaving her - period. Mike and I already teared up about it last night. It's already been laughed/joked about with the teachers there that she'll be more than fine, and we're the ones who are going to be the crying wrecks come drop-off. I had an amazing 6 months at home with Elliot, and am so thankful for the support from Mike, family, friends, and everyone else during that time. It wasn't always easy. It wasn't even always fun, but reflecting on it I wouldn't change a thing, and I can just imagine waking up tomorrow regretting going back to work and putting E in school all together! But, I digress, change is never easy. It takes work, it takes time, and it takes that support on which I just spoke from those surrounding you with love. Elle will have a blast with other children. She'll be stimulated by other toys and crafts and learning that wasn't yet accomplished in this house. And I, too, will be stimulated once again by business, adult speak, and working towards a life outside the home, in a career I have realized should be my own.
The office I will be helping manage is a mental health (hooray, the field!) office that serves clientele and their families who need psychotherapy with or without additional psychiatric care. The director's vision (whom I am quickly admiring) has always been to collaboratively work with other medical/counseling professionals to offer traditional and alternative health options for her clients. Prescribing medication can be a step towards recovery, but she believes most in working holistically with the client's daily living to help them create change (re: never easy, takes work, time, and support) towards a most healthy well-being. This vision, is a process that seems so simple, and yet with the financial downside of collaborating with other PCPs and explaining that the "splits" of insurance reimbursements between the medical/therapeutic components of this wellness plan behooves all parties involved, has not been so smooth. After 25+ years she has trudged towards this vision, many pieces are falling into place, and I will be a part of the administrative team helping maintain it, and helping it expand that much more. Exciting!
A 5-day week will turn into 6 come May, when I add internship hours on for good measure. Graduation is just over a year away, but the clinical experience will sum things up. I am nervous for the challenges ahead, and not just in my counseling path, but those within my family dynamic as well. It's one thing to start adding to the income-pot, but another to ask of my husband, yet again, to mold his day-to-day by taking care of Elle much more than he has up until now. Of course, being a great father and husband, to him it's not of much concern; it just takes creative scheduling. And communication, upon which our relationship has really blossomed. And for that, we are so grateful. I am so thankful for someone who helps me relinquish my doubts and fears out to the universe, an entity which simultaneously grants me assurance and bravery, so long as I am putting forth also those positive energies into the hands of our macrocosm.
For now, without thinking so far into the future or so distant into the world's empowerment, I will eat up this last "Mom-only" Sunday with our trio, and enjoy the nuances that make it so wonderfully ours. Who knew this life I imagined, would not only exist in my dreams...
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
My brain is a walk-in closet
When I think about the way my brain works, it's hard to fathom the daily, and minute-by-minute processes that happen. Even when we sleep, the brain is acting on conscious and subliminal levels to accommodate the way we think, behave, remember, etc. Seriously, take a second to let that glorious sponge of yours expose how magical it is. .... .... Too cool to ignore, right?! And pretty overwhelming sometimes!
So fortunately, during class last night, the idea that my brain is such an anomaly ('mine' as in anyone's brain capacity), seemed a bit simpler as we began discussing how human nature and the brain compartmentalizes on a fairly regular, and organic basis. The brain is really its own fantastical entity, and I can be thankful it does so much for me without my direct input.
My course this semester is focused on multicultural counseling; including, but not limited to, factors of: race, gender, sexual orientation, age, ethnicity, class, and socioeconomic status. As we explore these topics - separately and how they interrelate - there can be quite a jarring notion of what categories or stereotypes that my brain has shaped over the past two+ decades. Biases, in other words, are continually developed, and the awareness of them is a step in the right direction of becoming a good therapist (and in my opinion a good person, but for another post); after all, who knows what client(s) will enter my professional life. How do I interpret the person of color who comes into the office? The older, widowed adult? The child in a wheelchair? The gay woman? What is my assumption of anyone?
Like other components on which I have written regarding an altruistic, honest life, these are career questions which must be reflected on again and again. My answers to them today are probably different than what they will be ten years from now. I can assure you they are different than what they were ten years ago. I began to visualize the magical brain atop my crown as an organized closet of sorts (and if I am dreaming of it being within my mind) a walk-in closet, ever-expanding. The shelves on which I rest my values might be where I display shoes in real life. Different ones for different occasions. The hangers may hold my hang-ups or negative biases that are not easy to donate or throw away. So instead, how may I incorporate their existence on my behalf? How many of my assumptions of others' lifestyles are hand-me-downs, passed generation to generation? [Note: I don't intend here to single out solely negative assumptions, but also the enriching worldviews from my ancestors. Analogously, the vintage gems that never go out of style :)] The plush sweatshirts and pajamas might be the hypothetical clothing I wear when desiring to mask my discomfort with a particular client. And my winter coats might be available to be zipped tight if ever I feel too guarded to self-disclose information that could actually help the client and I develop a stronger rapport.
For whatever reason, this analogy represents seamlessly how I assess and categorize other people in my life. And as fashion and psychotherapy have each proven over time, being aware of my own style is important for myself and those with whom I interact. There is a need to adapt my style within various situations, and likelihood that good tailoring of it must also occur in order to become an optimal clinician.
So fortunately, during class last night, the idea that my brain is such an anomaly ('mine' as in anyone's brain capacity), seemed a bit simpler as we began discussing how human nature and the brain compartmentalizes on a fairly regular, and organic basis. The brain is really its own fantastical entity, and I can be thankful it does so much for me without my direct input.
My course this semester is focused on multicultural counseling; including, but not limited to, factors of: race, gender, sexual orientation, age, ethnicity, class, and socioeconomic status. As we explore these topics - separately and how they interrelate - there can be quite a jarring notion of what categories or stereotypes that my brain has shaped over the past two+ decades. Biases, in other words, are continually developed, and the awareness of them is a step in the right direction of becoming a good therapist (and in my opinion a good person, but for another post); after all, who knows what client(s) will enter my professional life. How do I interpret the person of color who comes into the office? The older, widowed adult? The child in a wheelchair? The gay woman? What is my assumption of anyone?
Like other components on which I have written regarding an altruistic, honest life, these are career questions which must be reflected on again and again. My answers to them today are probably different than what they will be ten years from now. I can assure you they are different than what they were ten years ago. I began to visualize the magical brain atop my crown as an organized closet of sorts (and if I am dreaming of it being within my mind) a walk-in closet, ever-expanding. The shelves on which I rest my values might be where I display shoes in real life. Different ones for different occasions. The hangers may hold my hang-ups or negative biases that are not easy to donate or throw away. So instead, how may I incorporate their existence on my behalf? How many of my assumptions of others' lifestyles are hand-me-downs, passed generation to generation? [Note: I don't intend here to single out solely negative assumptions, but also the enriching worldviews from my ancestors. Analogously, the vintage gems that never go out of style :)] The plush sweatshirts and pajamas might be the hypothetical clothing I wear when desiring to mask my discomfort with a particular client. And my winter coats might be available to be zipped tight if ever I feel too guarded to self-disclose information that could actually help the client and I develop a stronger rapport.
For whatever reason, this analogy represents seamlessly how I assess and categorize other people in my life. And as fashion and psychotherapy have each proven over time, being aware of my own style is important for myself and those with whom I interact. There is a need to adapt my style within various situations, and likelihood that good tailoring of it must also occur in order to become an optimal clinician.
Friday, January 18, 2013
January is cold!
Just a small, straightforward post regarding the COLD, cold weather that has been going on these past few days! January and February are always a bit harsher than when Winter begins. Its "romantic" notion of a solstice on 12/21 always makes me forget that the season can be cruel post-holidays! M and I took both girls Elle and Winnie out for a walk today and did not get very far, even with the sun shining on us. And while it's hard to complain when there's no snow, and that absence means more time walking and parading, rather than shoveling and slipping, it's just - BrrrrRRrr - be warm this season.
On another front (not much else), class has begun. I've also sent out my resume to internship sites and will hopefully land a role at a center where the clientele opportunity is plentiful in hours, and rich in experience. Considering it's all new from my viewpoint, I am sure such diversity will present itself! Interesting and so nice to know that a year from now I will be entering my final semester of school, and will be able to make out the graduation light at the end of my academic tunnel! Exciting things all around.
Will be visiting with close friends next weekend in Virginia, and am so happy to be introducing Elle to a family near and dear to our hearts. Their daughter is also under 1, so it will be a fun-filled, diaper-derby time! Hopefully these sun-shining, freezing temps are no worse for wear as we travel. Now, off to put on a sweater...
On another front (not much else), class has begun. I've also sent out my resume to internship sites and will hopefully land a role at a center where the clientele opportunity is plentiful in hours, and rich in experience. Considering it's all new from my viewpoint, I am sure such diversity will present itself! Interesting and so nice to know that a year from now I will be entering my final semester of school, and will be able to make out the graduation light at the end of my academic tunnel! Exciting things all around.
Will be visiting with close friends next weekend in Virginia, and am so happy to be introducing Elle to a family near and dear to our hearts. Their daughter is also under 1, so it will be a fun-filled, diaper-derby time! Hopefully these sun-shining, freezing temps are no worse for wear as we travel. Now, off to put on a sweater...
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