I am, as they would say, awakening myself back into this world. Of life. Of a blog-o-sphere. Of connecting! To myself, and on a more global scale, my self. Seeing that my last post was in the spring of this year; oh my, how time flies! And much has changed. Mike and I moved into our house - with flying colors. We have been able to move in, host a couple get-togethers, create rooms which have since created more of a "homey" feel to the place, making the whole situation real. We have bought a house. Incredible! Mike's tenacity in saving dollars, and supporting my dreams of doing so at a young age has really transformed 2012 to be an amazing year.
We had our daughter. A first child! Incredible yet again. She sleeps for the moment, and I can get back to writing somewhat. She is three months already, and it's as cheeky as others will tell you - the time goes soooo fast. Her name is Elliot, or Elle, for short. Her middle name is (as we would also like the middle names to be for additional children) a family name: Alexander. It was my paternal grandmother's maiden name, and subsequently the middle name for my dad and his siblings, and most recently my sister, Sara. It carries great meaning as any family name would for us; Mike and I plan on choosing those which are not only nice phonetically, but nice sentimentally as well. My grandmother, who I literally knew as "Grandmother," was an amazing woman. Warmhearted, spunky, classic. Something any little girl would be lucky to grow into. So here's hoping young, Elle.
To say those would be all that happened over the course of many months would be silly, but clearly the major happenings. Parenthood is in many ways just as I imagined, but in more ways nothing like you read up on. Particularly, Mike and I went through some of the hardest times in our relationship as we ever have. In all honesty, up until those moments, we have had an unusual 8 years together in that we rarely fought. And when we had done so, it was more like pushing buttons and encouraging something to feel like we were in the midst of anything 'normal' compared to many friends. Like how most would probably describe their own fights, I can't remember any of significance now (this is likely because they were ridiculous in the first place). But the anger, stewing, and disappointment in the fights we've had since Elliot was born, are more impacting. It's most likely the fatigue and frustrations from a newborn that help feed the intensity of such arguing; so this was very new to us. To me. I don't normally hide my feelings with Mike by any means, but I was discovering such disappointment about myself as a new mom, that I couldn't grasp also how the two of us were putting ourselves in what was possibly a detrimental place compared to everything that we had built over nearly a decade together.
No fear, we have surpassed this drama, and are now really in an even better position than ever. Mike has had the chance already to spend some quality alone time with Elle and recognize that his compassion in being a father really is there. His worries about achieving something so grand at such a young age, in accompaniment to living up to the title of "Dad" which he never earned with his own father, have probably not totally disappeared. But his ability to calm her, make her giggle and talk, keep her in his thoughts throughout the hard days back at work prove to me that he will be nothing short of remarkable as a parent. As I always knew. As I always knew I would have in my life partner. This creature, this being made from our love, has given us more than happy times. She has exposed the doubts and fears that give us realness we could never repay. Although we may try.
And as motherhood flows inside me in a most natural thought-process, the actions are still a learning curve, and will probably always be so. Patience and flexibility are values I preach, but are harder still to embody when I am so routine. Practice, practice. And no time like the present: little Elle is waking up from her nap. Good to be back!
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