pretty woman

"The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?"


Though I find this can be true, the positives do make their way in and stick around as long as they can make you feel better. It's been two weeks in the classroom at the new center, and I feel sick. Not sick of it, but sick: ill, queasy, and not used to the germs and mishaps that most kids have this time of year. If you've never worked with or had children of your own, let me tell you, their little noses run a lot. You know, the cute noses that turn that bright shade of pink when they romp in the snow and on the playground? Those noses. The noses that squirm and twitch and react to a sneeze that they didn't know was coming until it literally hit them square in the face - and probably all over you. Yes, these noses of which I am proud to again be around, and aim to keep dry, these noses have made me feel ill. Any teacher or parent will go through this immunization, and that's why I know this "bad stuff" will get better. I will take care of myself as best I can, and I will get over this headache that's always just present enough to remind me that I have one. But for now, this bad stuff really is just easier to acknowledge, since it's keeping me up at night and tired during the day and all...


Otherwise, work is going well. I work with a good core group of teachers, most who have been at the center long enough to become friends, but not so long that they're leaving me out :) There's a learning curve with any job to understand your new responsibilities. But working with children, families, and caregivers combined? That's a whole new set of drama and learning curves to be figured out. And I know, it would have been in my best interest to remind myself of that catty banter among women upon women upon women - I did grow up with 3 sisters and worked at 2 other daycare centers - but there's a hope that when you enter the working world that all of that irrationality, gossip, and just plain spitefulness will disappear. Let's just say that the group of women I work with are like any other, they talk, and they talk honestly! I mean, okay, who doesn't mind getting a little inter-center news from their coworkers now and again...at least for now, I'm try to simply nod and smile, and act as a sounding board. Everyone has their needs to vent, and I will always try to be a safe place for that to happen - even when I do it for myself in the car on the way home!


Class has also begun. I'm taking a Psychology course this semester (how convenient with a new job), and I hope the class will guide me to a new future of schooling, eventually leading to graduate school and whatever career I find gives my life and soul the most purpose. I admit, I never thought I would be a "career-oriented woman," in the simplest of terms. I felt like family was the only job I would ever know. And that may be the case for a while, raising our children and keeping house. Actually, I know this is the case, and have been promised by Mike that my dreams of being a stay-at home mom for some time will be expected. But I find conflict with this truth and other day-to-day anxieties that stream in from the exterior: When will I have my Master's Degree? What field do I wish to pursue? What kind of long-term goals am I making professionally to show that I am a committed employee? All of these questions and I must find answers; so, I sign up for classes, and swear to study for the GREs and move forward.


There's no room to believe that I have just one purpose. Motherhood. Career. Wife. Friend. Cook. Traveler. Blogger? There is no one direction in which my life will be lead. Certain fortunes will appear and all of these roles will meld together, in whichever fashion that I find most pleasant and wholesome for me. When Vivian tells Edward that the bad stuff is easier to believe, it comes from her experiences where she was told no, and that she wasn't good enough. I refuse to accept I am not good enough. But it can be easier to believe for a time that this is true, when my life is compared to someone else's. "Belief," the word itself, can be defined as: upholding a firm conviction based on the goodness or ability of something. I am good and able. I am maleable, and as something so flexible, I am everchanging. So I know that there will be days I will feel for better or for worse, depending on the belief surrounding me or within me.


I am just glad to be in a place in my life, and by that I mean a quarter-life stage, that permits me to question, and to question my beliefs. For I would rather have resolve some inquiries before I do fulfill more of my future roles. I am lucky to have two parents that believe in me. And I have parents I work for that believe in my care for their children. I work hard, and work harder to study well. I love and I give to whatever means the most for me. I want to absorb all the confidence in my life now, so that I can exude it for the children I work with, and those I have yet to meet. There will be reason for my life, and I will not stop believing in that.