With recent reflection, introspection, self-afflicting emotional roller coaster rides....it's time to be reminded of all the good, and the good to-be:
Dinner tonight with friends at a wonderful pizza place recommended by another good friend.
Dinner followed by some sweet, nostalgic galactic bowling!
Little W taking a nap between our desks, happy to have us both home on a Friday afternoon.
A wonderful 85 degree, sunny day that makes it feel like summer without making it feel like the tropics.
A nice leftover lunch including steak, fish, rice, and a naughty cocktail :)
Being productive, sending out paper/email/faxed resumes and finalizing some student loan gunk.
Watching a repeat of 'Ellen' at 3 o'clock.
FRIDAY.
Congrats all, on finishing another big, long week!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
mirror, mirror, on the wall...
Reflections. They provide insight and safety.
I let out, for the first time this past (interesting) month of no work, a big, big cry. It's a little overwhelming to feel useless in a major way, in which I haven't felt so since I began working pretty steadily at 16. Now I realize the cry really wasn't out of weakness or disappointment in myself, but in the nature of the beast that is this recession. Finding work is very hard, and with the liberal education I've received, but the lack of technical experience in which I am searching for jobs, sometimes I feel like I'm the double-edged sword of this economy. I can't reach for a job too high, because my resume will be filtered out swiftly among other candidates that do have the years of management skill. But I can't propose my sights too low because for all the hundreds of people appropiate for such jobs, the employer's may see a Bachelor's (of any degree) as an educational "alert" for someone just looking for a temporary, financial fix.
Okay, insight generally covered. Are reflections always safe? By this, I mean that this past month has made me feel like a mirror at times. I've been trying to convince myself and others that everything is fine, there's no worries because this was my choice, I'm calm knowing that the support I'm receiving is full and out of love. All of which is true, but I can't deny that there aren't some worries. Of course there is concern as to how long my search will last. I'm getting married, which joins a lot of our pricey-parts of the relationship, but the wedding will not grant me relief from this declining checkpoint. I'm attending school which will eat up funds that aren't being added to right now, and as Suze Orman says, school loans is some of the best debt you can accrue, but it's still debt!
I don't want to be the two-dimmensional bright plate of a mirror, that only offers what we give to it. I want to reflect something unseen, my truest self, which is that I am at times scared of this decision. It's not easy being wrong, and parts of this choice do seem incorrect. Emotionally it was the best one, that's for sure. But a big part of it is all kinds of mess, it just seems so uncharacteristic of someone who has worked for the past 10 - 12 years of her life. And not just out of need, but out of fun. I enjoy work, I enjoy the interaction among other people. Solitude can be truly lonely when there's too much of it. The voices in my head only carry out conversations so far :). My parents told us that work was not an option if there were things we wanted to pay for. We always knew that by the time we were old enough to drive, we had to help pay for such bills surrounding our new freedoms like the car. But work was never made out to be this evil plot against our freedom of childhood. It only gave us further responsibility which was rewarded with things other than a paycheck. It provided confidence and diligence that wasn't supported by a textbook. It gave us the right to be bold, ask for raises, and greet customers with a new sense of self. It gave me a great range of what I could do. I worked in a bakery for a good four years and developed amazing friendships with the owners there, whom are now creating my wedding cake! Work has always been something I had a little control over, and now that it's literally out of my hands, it makes me wonder why I gave that up.
Despite the emotional outcry today, one certainty in my life that is ever powerful and a wonderful reflection of myself, is Mike's support. Without it, this decision would not have been made so surely, and because of him, my search for a job as he says "you can enjoy," continues.
I let out, for the first time this past (interesting) month of no work, a big, big cry. It's a little overwhelming to feel useless in a major way, in which I haven't felt so since I began working pretty steadily at 16. Now I realize the cry really wasn't out of weakness or disappointment in myself, but in the nature of the beast that is this recession. Finding work is very hard, and with the liberal education I've received, but the lack of technical experience in which I am searching for jobs, sometimes I feel like I'm the double-edged sword of this economy. I can't reach for a job too high, because my resume will be filtered out swiftly among other candidates that do have the years of management skill. But I can't propose my sights too low because for all the hundreds of people appropiate for such jobs, the employer's may see a Bachelor's (of any degree) as an educational "alert" for someone just looking for a temporary, financial fix.
Okay, insight generally covered. Are reflections always safe? By this, I mean that this past month has made me feel like a mirror at times. I've been trying to convince myself and others that everything is fine, there's no worries because this was my choice, I'm calm knowing that the support I'm receiving is full and out of love. All of which is true, but I can't deny that there aren't some worries. Of course there is concern as to how long my search will last. I'm getting married, which joins a lot of our pricey-parts of the relationship, but the wedding will not grant me relief from this declining checkpoint. I'm attending school which will eat up funds that aren't being added to right now, and as Suze Orman says, school loans is some of the best debt you can accrue, but it's still debt!
I don't want to be the two-dimmensional bright plate of a mirror, that only offers what we give to it. I want to reflect something unseen, my truest self, which is that I am at times scared of this decision. It's not easy being wrong, and parts of this choice do seem incorrect. Emotionally it was the best one, that's for sure. But a big part of it is all kinds of mess, it just seems so uncharacteristic of someone who has worked for the past 10 - 12 years of her life. And not just out of need, but out of fun. I enjoy work, I enjoy the interaction among other people. Solitude can be truly lonely when there's too much of it. The voices in my head only carry out conversations so far :). My parents told us that work was not an option if there were things we wanted to pay for. We always knew that by the time we were old enough to drive, we had to help pay for such bills surrounding our new freedoms like the car. But work was never made out to be this evil plot against our freedom of childhood. It only gave us further responsibility which was rewarded with things other than a paycheck. It provided confidence and diligence that wasn't supported by a textbook. It gave us the right to be bold, ask for raises, and greet customers with a new sense of self. It gave me a great range of what I could do. I worked in a bakery for a good four years and developed amazing friendships with the owners there, whom are now creating my wedding cake! Work has always been something I had a little control over, and now that it's literally out of my hands, it makes me wonder why I gave that up.
Despite the emotional outcry today, one certainty in my life that is ever powerful and a wonderful reflection of myself, is Mike's support. Without it, this decision would not have been made so surely, and because of him, my search for a job as he says "you can enjoy," continues.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
don't blink!
Just a quick note to say hi to myself, "the fans" and all :)
Have been spending lots of time in and out of my own head being unemployed. It's been trying and fantastic all in one. Got into graduate school, and I'm so glad to be headed in a direction that I want to travel for once! I feel like a trip to Staples to collect supplies, and Target to pick out a first-day outfit may be in order!
Not to mention it's only 2 months more until I am the legal wife I always knew I could be!
Happy hot summer everyone. Fall is near...
Have been spending lots of time in and out of my own head being unemployed. It's been trying and fantastic all in one. Got into graduate school, and I'm so glad to be headed in a direction that I want to travel for once! I feel like a trip to Staples to collect supplies, and Target to pick out a first-day outfit may be in order!
Not to mention it's only 2 months more until I am the legal wife I always knew I could be!
Happy hot summer everyone. Fall is near...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
homesweethome.
"I thought if I could touch this place, or feel it....this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself..." These lyrics come from country singer phenomena Miranda Lambert's 'The House that Built Me' and I feel its connection wholeheartedly when I think about my home in Maine.
Growing up in a north, northeastern state like Maine provided many things. Seclusion from the hustle and bustle of a busy suburb outside of say, Boston, NYC, or even Philadelphia. It provided land and sustainability that we learned as kids, growing small, seriously some teeny-weeny carrots in our little garden plots in our first hometown of Gray. We learned that if you can't keep a sister as your best friend, you may end up playing alone, because during those first years we truly kept ourselves close to one another and to nature surrounding us. In addition, Maine has always provided a comfort for me, that eminent green bridge that tells you where you've crossed the state line into "Vacationland," and the air smells of ocean salt and campfires, opposed to the either lack of breeze, or whatever scent city hustle and bustle tends to sweat.
Not that I don't enjoy where I am today--nor where I've been until now. I was in D.C. for the fourth of July, and what better place to see the fireworks at our nation's capital? I was also, fortunately, visiting with some of our nation's best, 2 college roommates, and much discussion about what 'home' means to us came up during our weekend banter. One so wise Patty said she felt 'just at home' with us at the dinner table, out conversing over sangria and margarita pitchers, and pausing to inhale some delicious quesadillas at a fave Mexican restaurant in Dupont Circle. The other so talented Lindsey had been home in central NY, (her summers off from teaching in hot Charlotte), and she was happy to finally be lounging with Mom when she wasn't working, and otherwise enjoying her travels visiting friends. I, myself, having been unemployed for a little while felt so inclined to offer, 'home really is where you make its place, and I too felt like my heart had settled in more than one.'
This sentiment, I'm sure has crossed paths of other posts, but nonetheless, being out of work really helped put this idea of what home is into perspective. I find myself mainly in three places. Maine, Syracuse, and "Current." Maine offered the foundation upon which I thought I knew myself, SU provided the means on which my roots could establish, and whereever I am today is in part home as I begin a family I am so luckily able to grow alongside (that's you, Michael and little Windsor). I don't suppose there is any formula for where one's home is or will be, but if you cannot share it with someone, at least a neighbor down the road, or the sun that wakes with you and tucks you into your bed at night, if there is not one being that bestows its presence in your life, I am not sure you have yet found your home....ever.
So, as I sit here in lonliness in the grand state of "Vacationland" - alas the lobster dinner hangovers have sent the working minions to sleep; baby W is tucked in her travel kennel, and the family dog is none the wiser about another Michel up and about...I am grateful to be home, if only for a few days. For I know that my other homes are still out there supporting me, and they are ever waiting for me to return. I suppose it's not often a life, so lucky as mine, feels that it can be in many places at once and find a hug in return, or memory to welcome one back.
Growing up in a north, northeastern state like Maine provided many things. Seclusion from the hustle and bustle of a busy suburb outside of say, Boston, NYC, or even Philadelphia. It provided land and sustainability that we learned as kids, growing small, seriously some teeny-weeny carrots in our little garden plots in our first hometown of Gray. We learned that if you can't keep a sister as your best friend, you may end up playing alone, because during those first years we truly kept ourselves close to one another and to nature surrounding us. In addition, Maine has always provided a comfort for me, that eminent green bridge that tells you where you've crossed the state line into "Vacationland," and the air smells of ocean salt and campfires, opposed to the either lack of breeze, or whatever scent city hustle and bustle tends to sweat.
Not that I don't enjoy where I am today--nor where I've been until now. I was in D.C. for the fourth of July, and what better place to see the fireworks at our nation's capital? I was also, fortunately, visiting with some of our nation's best, 2 college roommates, and much discussion about what 'home' means to us came up during our weekend banter. One so wise Patty said she felt 'just at home' with us at the dinner table, out conversing over sangria and margarita pitchers, and pausing to inhale some delicious quesadillas at a fave Mexican restaurant in Dupont Circle. The other so talented Lindsey had been home in central NY, (her summers off from teaching in hot Charlotte), and she was happy to finally be lounging with Mom when she wasn't working, and otherwise enjoying her travels visiting friends. I, myself, having been unemployed for a little while felt so inclined to offer, 'home really is where you make its place, and I too felt like my heart had settled in more than one.'
This sentiment, I'm sure has crossed paths of other posts, but nonetheless, being out of work really helped put this idea of what home is into perspective. I find myself mainly in three places. Maine, Syracuse, and "Current." Maine offered the foundation upon which I thought I knew myself, SU provided the means on which my roots could establish, and whereever I am today is in part home as I begin a family I am so luckily able to grow alongside (that's you, Michael and little Windsor). I don't suppose there is any formula for where one's home is or will be, but if you cannot share it with someone, at least a neighbor down the road, or the sun that wakes with you and tucks you into your bed at night, if there is not one being that bestows its presence in your life, I am not sure you have yet found your home....ever.
So, as I sit here in lonliness in the grand state of "Vacationland" - alas the lobster dinner hangovers have sent the working minions to sleep; baby W is tucked in her travel kennel, and the family dog is none the wiser about another Michel up and about...I am grateful to be home, if only for a few days. For I know that my other homes are still out there supporting me, and they are ever waiting for me to return. I suppose it's not often a life, so lucky as mine, feels that it can be in many places at once and find a hug in return, or memory to welcome one back.
Friday, June 18, 2010
a stillness.
Already into my second week of unemployment-by-choice, and it is an entirely different feeling than the antsy, I-need-to-help-provide-financially for our family kind of emotion, that was present last year when we first moved to PA. That period of time was only two weeks, and I can pretty much guarantee myself it will be far longer than a half month this time around. There are major differences, however, that make this "mini vacation" a little bit easier.
Firstly, the unfounding support of my (very soon!) husband-to-be is supremely appreciated. When you have faith from someone you love in your decisions - be it family or friends - it's amazing how you perceive your time, fulfill your days, and recognize the work that goes into being a stay-at-home someone. Secondly, though I try not to mess with her situated schedule of 10+hours sleep during the workday, we have a little one at home with me. Our dog, Windsor, has been a great companion for me, providing constant pestering...er....attachment and need for attention. Just at 8 months old, W is a reminder that the day is full of opportunity to play, walk, chew, lick, and sleep. Ahhh....sleep! Mike would like to think that I gain so much more shut-eye, and yet how much lazier would I feel?! Still, I don't shy away from getting up at eight o'clock to start the day; when was the last time that happened?
Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for work! As I told my neighbor the other night, the search has primarily been from within the walls of our apartment, so my headhunting skills have been a little bit on the technical versus face-to-face side. Not to mention, I was also searching for a job before I left the childcare center. With the support from previous supervisors, that was a decision made easier. And, thankfully, to this day I have yet to feel like any bridges have burned when I left a job. No lay-offs yet, and no one boss I felt I could not turn to for recommendation. I just had two of my former directors write letters towards my application to graduate school. Even my further education is up in the air right now, but I know its process will pan out to whereever I need to be. Speaking with family and Mike recently, I think part of my problem in searching for the "next step" in my life, is that I'm actually clueless to what that step will or should be.
During college I felt like the world was, as they say, my oyster. How could I not? Syracuse was large enough, eclectic enough, orange enough :) for me to delve into different aspects of study I had yet to ponder. Were I to go back now, I wouldn't hesitate to take an even wider range of classes, and stimulate parts of my mind that I am interested in advancing today. And honestly, that is part of the problem when that feeling of failure creeps into my soul search. If there was some sense of security and assurance in all of this, if I could actually pick a dream job and run with it, believe me I would. So many entrepreneurs associate the mantra, it's one life, go with your gut and your dreams. What if you have many? Do you dream them all into reality? Yoga is a part of my life that is a constant reminder to live presently. And even that extracurricular takes the occasional backseat. But when I return to it, I am enlightened yet again, feeling like the prolific oyster is ever attainable.
Somehow, the calm of my heart overrides my worries, and I remember that if I can truly apply myself to what I value and dream, than whatever result it is which fulfills me, will be enough. It will be the right choice. May that be studying as a full-time student again, or participating in part-time education with part-time work. It could be volunteering my mind and being to the benefits of non-profit organizations. I'm not desperate for the answer, but I am looking forward to pondering the questions to get me there.
Peace, love, and here's for hoping that everyone else keeps reaching for their own oyster!
Firstly, the unfounding support of my (very soon!) husband-to-be is supremely appreciated. When you have faith from someone you love in your decisions - be it family or friends - it's amazing how you perceive your time, fulfill your days, and recognize the work that goes into being a stay-at-home someone. Secondly, though I try not to mess with her situated schedule of 10+hours sleep during the workday, we have a little one at home with me. Our dog, Windsor, has been a great companion for me, providing constant pestering...er....attachment and need for attention. Just at 8 months old, W is a reminder that the day is full of opportunity to play, walk, chew, lick, and sleep. Ahhh....sleep! Mike would like to think that I gain so much more shut-eye, and yet how much lazier would I feel?! Still, I don't shy away from getting up at eight o'clock to start the day; when was the last time that happened?
Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for work! As I told my neighbor the other night, the search has primarily been from within the walls of our apartment, so my headhunting skills have been a little bit on the technical versus face-to-face side. Not to mention, I was also searching for a job before I left the childcare center. With the support from previous supervisors, that was a decision made easier. And, thankfully, to this day I have yet to feel like any bridges have burned when I left a job. No lay-offs yet, and no one boss I felt I could not turn to for recommendation. I just had two of my former directors write letters towards my application to graduate school. Even my further education is up in the air right now, but I know its process will pan out to whereever I need to be. Speaking with family and Mike recently, I think part of my problem in searching for the "next step" in my life, is that I'm actually clueless to what that step will or should be.
During college I felt like the world was, as they say, my oyster. How could I not? Syracuse was large enough, eclectic enough, orange enough :) for me to delve into different aspects of study I had yet to ponder. Were I to go back now, I wouldn't hesitate to take an even wider range of classes, and stimulate parts of my mind that I am interested in advancing today. And honestly, that is part of the problem when that feeling of failure creeps into my soul search. If there was some sense of security and assurance in all of this, if I could actually pick a dream job and run with it, believe me I would. So many entrepreneurs associate the mantra, it's one life, go with your gut and your dreams. What if you have many? Do you dream them all into reality? Yoga is a part of my life that is a constant reminder to live presently. And even that extracurricular takes the occasional backseat. But when I return to it, I am enlightened yet again, feeling like the prolific oyster is ever attainable.
Somehow, the calm of my heart overrides my worries, and I remember that if I can truly apply myself to what I value and dream, than whatever result it is which fulfills me, will be enough. It will be the right choice. May that be studying as a full-time student again, or participating in part-time education with part-time work. It could be volunteering my mind and being to the benefits of non-profit organizations. I'm not desperate for the answer, but I am looking forward to pondering the questions to get me there.
Peace, love, and here's for hoping that everyone else keeps reaching for their own oyster!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
up for a gamble.
So, I told work today. Time to tell you, too. Last day is later this month. Fortunately, any support one could hope for was offered, even from my immediate coworkers. Unfortunately, that can make you feel worse when you just want to be sure of your decision, and when a supervisor asks what she can do to convince you to stay....it makes you feel guilty and good at the same time.
Nothing lined up yet as far as future work. Of course, why yes I would love for that to fall in my lap, thank you! How many things do you really earn through chance? Through luck? 20%? 0%? Whatever it is you need to be a little proactive. And though I've been fishing for a few months, that by no means grants me the right to have anything yet. And while I do not, it doesn't mean that I haven't been granted the opportunity to get closer. Taking a gamble, but I believe that it will pay. For what better stroke of luck can you get than the one you make for yourself by trying.
Here's hoping, and here's doing. Glad now that I can devote the time and effort to achieve it! Some of the toughest decisions are the healthiest!
Nothing lined up yet as far as future work. Of course, why yes I would love for that to fall in my lap, thank you! How many things do you really earn through chance? Through luck? 20%? 0%? Whatever it is you need to be a little proactive. And though I've been fishing for a few months, that by no means grants me the right to have anything yet. And while I do not, it doesn't mean that I haven't been granted the opportunity to get closer. Taking a gamble, but I believe that it will pay. For what better stroke of luck can you get than the one you make for yourself by trying.
Here's hoping, and here's doing. Glad now that I can devote the time and effort to achieve it! Some of the toughest decisions are the healthiest!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
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