Reflections. They provide insight and safety.
I let out, for the first time this past (interesting) month of no work, a big, big cry. It's a little overwhelming to feel useless in a major way, in which I haven't felt so since I began working pretty steadily at 16. Now I realize the cry really wasn't out of weakness or disappointment in myself, but in the nature of the beast that is this recession. Finding work is very hard, and with the liberal education I've received, but the lack of technical experience in which I am searching for jobs, sometimes I feel like I'm the double-edged sword of this economy. I can't reach for a job too high, because my resume will be filtered out swiftly among other candidates that do have the years of management skill. But I can't propose my sights too low because for all the hundreds of people appropiate for such jobs, the employer's may see a Bachelor's (of any degree) as an educational "alert" for someone just looking for a temporary, financial fix.
Okay, insight generally covered. Are reflections always safe? By this, I mean that this past month has made me feel like a mirror at times. I've been trying to convince myself and others that everything is fine, there's no worries because this was my choice, I'm calm knowing that the support I'm receiving is full and out of love. All of which is true, but I can't deny that there aren't some worries. Of course there is concern as to how long my search will last. I'm getting married, which joins a lot of our pricey-parts of the relationship, but the wedding will not grant me relief from this declining checkpoint. I'm attending school which will eat up funds that aren't being added to right now, and as Suze Orman says, school loans is some of the best debt you can accrue, but it's still debt!
I don't want to be the two-dimmensional bright plate of a mirror, that only offers what we give to it. I want to reflect something unseen, my truest self, which is that I am at times scared of this decision. It's not easy being wrong, and parts of this choice do seem incorrect. Emotionally it was the best one, that's for sure. But a big part of it is all kinds of mess, it just seems so uncharacteristic of someone who has worked for the past 10 - 12 years of her life. And not just out of need, but out of fun. I enjoy work, I enjoy the interaction among other people. Solitude can be truly lonely when there's too much of it. The voices in my head only carry out conversations so far :). My parents told us that work was not an option if there were things we wanted to pay for. We always knew that by the time we were old enough to drive, we had to help pay for such bills surrounding our new freedoms like the car. But work was never made out to be this evil plot against our freedom of childhood. It only gave us further responsibility which was rewarded with things other than a paycheck. It provided confidence and diligence that wasn't supported by a textbook. It gave us the right to be bold, ask for raises, and greet customers with a new sense of self. It gave me a great range of what I could do. I worked in a bakery for a good four years and developed amazing friendships with the owners there, whom are now creating my wedding cake! Work has always been something I had a little control over, and now that it's literally out of my hands, it makes me wonder why I gave that up.
Despite the emotional outcry today, one certainty in my life that is ever powerful and a wonderful reflection of myself, is Mike's support. Without it, this decision would not have been made so surely, and because of him, my search for a job as he says "you can enjoy," continues.
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