the king of anything

As this hectic time of holiday seasons are upon us, I feel like everything, and everybody I encounter is supremely on edge. There are families to greet, meet, and entertain. There is food to bake, make, and devour. There are gifts to buy, fly, and wrap. It's no wonder it comes but just once a year!


Don't get me wrong, it's one of my favorite times of year, despite all the mess. Aside from the chaos, there's a reminder of the calm, peaceful transition from one year to the next; it's another break from my new academic schedule until the following semester. The snow is deciding whether or not it wants to fall, and unfortunately until it layers more of a solid blanket on the ground, little Windsor has to succumb to shorter walks because of the freezing cold! The gathering with family is always shortlived in my book, so we try to cram in memory-building boardgames, chilly walks after full meals, and lazying about the house with each other's company. Even the travel and down time before the holidays are appreciated by Mike and myself -- our first Christmas season as a married couple, and we're so happy to continue our own developing traditions: a bigger tree, exchanging budgeted gifts for one another a little early, and hosting our own "holiday" game night with friends tomorrow! We know it's not just the space in our apartment that will keep it a cozy, filling evening, but the friends and food that comfort us on the weekend before we all go our separate ways for Christmas vacation.


When I sat down over a week ago to write this particular blog, I was pretty sure what it was going to be about. The borrowed title of it, "King of Anything" is probably recognizable to some as the new single put out by musician and singer-songwriter Sara Bareilles. The song is in reference to talking against someone who is coming down on her. Someone who thinks they know best and are objectifying anything otherwise. About a week ago, my classes ended. I had not been in one of them for three weeks with the Thanksgiving holiday and the class after turkey-ing was cancelled due to our professor visiting Paris (cest la vie!). So as we mustered up our final thoughts, fifteen-page paper, and thoughtful insights for a final gathering in mid-December, I was surprised at the end result.


In this theories class, we began the semester with our wonderfully vibrant, intelligent professor. She started the term by telling us that if she could be where she is today by earning her Bachelor's, Master's, then Doctorate -- over a thirty year period -- then any of us could do the same. Having not spent much time academically in Psychology courses, this was going to be a great test for me in concluding my decisions to attend school again for a career-worthy pursuit. Fortunately, because of this class and professor, and most of my peers, it proved to me that this is definitely something that I believe is a good choice for my future work. I learned to which prior pioneers in the field I felt most connected, and which styles of counseling would not work for me as a practicing therapist. More importantly, I was eager to attend this class each week because of the carefree, inviting nature of its content; more like group therapy, aside from investigating the different styles of the theories presented, our professor encouraged us to open up about our days, weeks, emotional setbacks and if so inclined, fellow students would best evaluate.


At first, I know, scary! Allowing second-rate, first-time students to delve into your personal life and dissect your feelings? Note: We spoke if we so chose. So, many of us would offer tidbits of distress, or happiness if feeling like good could be shared that night too. Some classmates did not but open their mouths when requested to offer responses (in that case, required by the textbook questions not personal digging). The point was, that it was up to you, then up to the classroom's discretion to interpret and support you. A team effort.


So, much to my dismay, we are ending the final class of this wonderfully interactive semester and our professor notes that two students are missing that evening. She pauses, elaborates on the notion that neither had been in touch with her, no wait, one had been in touch a couple of hours prior saying while late, she would make the class. Turns out, she is absent with less than 45 minutes until departure. Naturally, our professor gets frustrated. Naturally, our professor expresses her frustrations and begins to ask for what reason there is a lack of communication among her graduate-level students. It continues, and as she speaks on, others chime in. Before I knew it, I sat up front and center to the beginnings of what sounded like a debate, and yet all parties involved were saying the same things. They were negotiating arguing tactics for our professor to use when confronting the students. They were expressing their frustrations by the students' absences as if their lack of attendance affected (or should at least affect) them. It was a gossip circle gone bad, and after about 6 or 7 minutes of it, I raised my hand.


"Yes, Carly? My newlywed." (This is often how my professor referred to me -- I'm telling you, she was cute!)


"Well, Dr. So-and-So...I want to say...that I don't see why we are discussing this right now without them here."


"Well, Carly -- would you talk to them for me if you could?"


"If you're asking would I confront them about their absences (it had happened with the same two women a couple times previously in the semsester), then I may be partial to inquiring with them about why they have not come tonight. But I do not see the point in debating about a decision which is ultimately yours. And I would not want to be placed in their shoes, discovering that as soon as a peer of mine came and spoke to me about my absence/neglected work, I would find out that the entire class spoke of me behind my back. I would then feel more than embarrassed and hurt by actions from soon-to-be professionals in a sensitive field."


Pause. More pausing. Unrelenting silence. Oh boy, Carly. Now you've done it. Gone and shot yourself in the foot again. Just about 12 minutes left of the semester, in a class where you've shared, cared, and written about situations like this in relation to clients, and the professor had nothing but positive things to say about your insight, and of your nature. Go ahead, confront her (and the entire class) about what they're doing. Forget the 'A' you planned on.


"Thank you, Carly," said our professor. "You're absolutely right, and I apologize. It is not the place nor time to bring this up. Thank you."


(Phew!) I barely muttered an "it's fine" with rosy cheeks as she apologized, for it was not my intention to make anyone feel badly. It was the exact opposite of this mini-protest. I just felt so inclined to be empathetic and understanding that one's actions, which will not be affecting my own in an academic setting, need no judgment from me. I guess it was a primal act of my counseling efforts in trying to convey gratitude for us to speak our minds, but not to do it with sinister motives. On a personal level with other classmates there, I'm sure I was forseen from here now as a "goody-goody," and they may continue such name-games. There is undoubtedly a competitive nature within school, and the real world in general. If you want to achieve, many of us believe it is relative to those around us. But I guess my heart had spoken in opposition of that myth, and realized I needed to disclose how I felt, and shed light on the fact that it is in fact what we achieve within ourselves that encourages positive growth.


We finished class happily as our professor raved about the local "Stag and Doe" night where stores would be kept open late, and offer wine and cheese in spirit of the holiday shopping. Our final papers landed on her desk in front of her, and when I approached a bit feverishly, she stood up (all 4.5 feet of her) and willfully spread her arms to give me a hug, repeating, "thank you." I simply said, "I understand your frustrations," and smiled with her, leaving my first heartwrenching, thoughtful, challenging course towards my future degree.


Wrapping it up again by the holiday bookends, just remember to be kind. The kind of compassion and generosity should not be set aside for winter months, but it is often when emotions are most magnified. The good and bad are confronted every day, so just aim to stay true to how you would like to be treated in return. Happy Christmas, and will probably be writing again in 2011!