paradoxical

Sometimes motherhood is damn hard.


Phew.  Like most tough things, but real things, this too can be good to get off the chest.  I never doubted it would come with challenges; I worked with children for years informally and professionally, but at the end of a long day, even the frustrating children went home with someone else.  And I can't deny that I haven't said it before - but more in passing or in jest, certainly not in such a serious tone that would identify deficit in one entity I was sure of all of my life.  A tone that would prove guilt or failure - two major themes of my personal self-destruction over the years, and to confess to it fully would generate a catharsis by which I might not be prepared to stand.


The pressure of the word is large in itself.  I actually just Googled "motherhood," and it includes the verbatim, boring phrasing: "state and/or quality of being a mother."  And then, just thrown in all casual, I see by the relative quotations section:  "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." [William Ross Wallace]  Holy cheese, no wonder I am (and so many others) are in such a flustered flurry!  "...that rules the world." ???  Okay, so his poem is in praise, but, come on.  Us women - I, woman - fear most in life my own let downs.  *Note: yes, most of that is still on me, outside of this subject alone, and for another post(s)/mental health professional to help me work through*


This morning, over your homemade eggs and cinnamon rolls, dear Elliot, you decided I was not to be a part of what was intended to be a family breakfast.  Moreover, when I am struggling to put in your hair elastic - which, I'm sorry, may as well be an Olympic sport without the addition of you throwing your body around in the high chair like an ocean seal - you are also complaining to your Papa, trying to hit me, and sometimes bite.  And this is the hard part on which I am already ranting?!??  Crap.

--------------------

Cut to 5:15 pick-up time.


My heart mellllllttttssss.  With a knock-knock on the door to her classroom, I hear one of her teacher's sing, "Elllllee - who's here?"  Surely both of us with eyes darting, searching the scene for one another, only to embrace with the glimmers in our pupils, and cheeks raised in smiles, dear Elliot, you squeal with glee.  You sit kicking again in a high chair, although this time it is surely out of joy, and my body fills with it thereafter.


We sing together in the car ride home, talk and jibber-jabber about our days, like we're lifelong friends, and have escaped any sort of confrontation from the morning of (which perhaps, was in my own head).  Paradoxical, motherhood is.  On to a bath, splishin' and a'splashin', and finally snuggled up with some books to tuck her in.  Feelings overwhelmed and deep breathing continues from other daily missteps, but this journey of being a parent is at least more understood for tonight.

my neighbor's fence

"They bought what?!"
"She gets to stay home with her kids."
"Wow - they are going on another vacation!"


So easy to be a nosy nellie, a materialistic voyer sometimes.  Be it of your friends, colleagues, coworkers, neighbors - even your family.  Or is it just me?  No, I'm pretty sure part of our human instinct is to drive for more, and yes, sometimes at the expense of our own appreciation for what is right in front of us.  Maybe it's a survival method.  Healthy competition.  Striving to succeed by envying another's accomplishments.  Envy is supposedly a deadly sin, but if it eggs on your determination and desire, maybe a little isn't so bad.  But the thing is, how do you know when your envy has turned to jealousy, or turned completely to self-deprication?


Recently I (re)encountered a famous quote, with a unique and fresh twist applicable to today's lesson :)  : "the grass is greener where you water it."  I not only like this quote - I crave it and try to use it personally and professionally.  For so much of my own life, I didn't fully understand the concept of self-care, or even personal accountability for my actions and reactions to a given situation, or social milestone.  Being in love for the first time at 15 was the "deepest" love I would know, and then breaking up from him was my "most devastating" loss.  I wouldn't ever again find the kind of love I envisioned when I was young.


I gained a bunch of weight after that breakup, turning to food for comfort and fulfillment.  I began journeying quickly the defeating path of low self-esteem, poor body image, comparison.  Sara Bareilles sings, "Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere."  And so for almost four years that mindset kept me at a minimum.  I was able to wade in my misery and justify my deficits by looking forward to a happiness that no Carly really deserved.  Comparing brought on further sadness and pushed off any unattainable dream.  But was this truthful?  That kind of sentiment and self-loathing may feel valid enough to fill a void for a time, but I would gladly hug and tell that adolescent self with affinity and assurance now:  "the grass is greener where you water it."


Working more today in the field of psychology, I am consistently reframing the negative-feedback mentalities of clients who lack what is viably most important in progress - faith in oneself, insight.  Biologically, there is sufficient research supporting that depressed brains are different than non-depressed brains.  Psychiatry can initiate for some to help the self-regulation of healthier cognitions and maintain a stability, if not also improve.  Psychology can offer tools for clients to function in collaboration with the medication, and perhaps provide even more long-term effects of mindfulness through several modalities which stem from meditation, positive thought, and living presently.  How very Zen, no?  How very gracious and applicable to those seeking (or simply needing) empowerment by way of their own accountability.  Their very own grass watering.


I don't believe, as noted above, that comparison is necessarily a bad idea all of the time.  Like most things, moderation is a friend.  It drives us, it feeds that ambition for more and general greatness.  Mike (the forbidden love that I did not know I deserved as a ripe teen) will remind me that his actions and work for our family is to help us feel security and have the things he knows he wants to offer us.  That work becomes his drive.  In many regards, during our near decade together, I've acknowledged this quality about him, but did not mirror him in mindset.  Maybe it's our asymmetry and balance of ideas or values that helps us work so well.  But I've also noted our perspectives together act less like a see-saw, fluctuating between us, and more like a meeting of the minds.


Be it in your personal or professional realm, in your love life, your health, your wealth, consumption, or simple pleasures, do not fear the comparison or drive for more, but do remember you are where you are, and who you are only now.  Graciousness can go a long way.  It's not only the drive up or forward, but the reflection on those "below" or "behind" to appreciate my belongings and myself.  I aim to grow, and with that I hope to be watering whatever I can to nourish and quench this soul.

perhaps i'm a teacher?

Summer hiatus!  What can I say.  With clinical begun in May, the work force/schedule a-changing due to office expansion, the day to day has become routine and cumbersome at times.  Fortunately, we were able to sneak a week of family time in Maine, New Hampshire, and end it in PA for a "stay-cation" wrap-up.  July included Yarmouth Clam Fest, re: diaper derby (!); this is a race for tots ages crawling and up, with heats, winners, and wow! the audiences!  Much larger than anticipated and it was as hilarious as we could imagine.  Not to mention that (un)fortunately Elle did exactly what we expected.  Sat still.  Yup!  In her heat of 11 babes, just 2 moved forward, or at all, and were declared winner for the next round.  Like usual, Elliot seemed content in just observing the scene.


NH we celebrated Mimi's 60th and had a surprise guest list and lobster dinner for her.  E got to meet more new family members and enjoyed her travels, despite the constant car seat.  Overall, she and Winnie as co-pilot were true champions.  It was a nice switch up in the middle of this heat!


Today, though, as it has been off and on, was an autumn tease.  Despite August being the "Sunday of summer," it was lovely to have windows open, spread mulch in the front yard among the annuals, and absorb cool breezes under the shade of our maple.  Picked up lil E from daycare, splashed in the tub, and am now sipping on a pinot grigio with library read in tow for my next book club get together come October.  Just needed a pumpkin spice latte to make this a real fall day!


Lastly, looking forward to the next 24 hours, because as of 7:44pm tomorrow evening, Elliot will be officially 1!  As she itches to walk, there's not much to fear less the impending play of tag and chase!  Can't believe what 365 days on this earth means for our darling daughter, and I am thrilled to discover what else she will become in the coming years.

green thumb in progress

Finally collected up some homegrown lettuce - salads abound! - and herbs tonight from the two, small garden beds we have in the backyard.  Last year at this time, we had been in the house around a month, and we were gearing up for a week in NE where M and I call home to see family for a week.  The garden then, as it unfortunately is now, was slightly slimmer pickin's than I intended; fortunately last year I had the lovely excuse of being a new homeowner and 7-month-along pregnant woman to not let it get to me.  This year, the excuses rise from a 6-day week schedule, and, well, you know what I might say - no excuse!  Let me just be gleeful that I harvested something tonight that will be a delicious accompaniment to some meals in the coming weeks.  There is still much of a summer/fall to grow other yummies, and other years ahead to plot and plan more accordingly.  Next year, even the lil' Elle bean can help rake and sow.


Without falling privy to the negative comparison of, and rather rise to the aspiration of my grandmothers and own mother - and quite frankly, my sisters and friends - I do intend on growing goods at my home for years to come.  The food plants and vegetables seem more intuitive to me.  Create dirt base, plant seed, wait and eat.  The perennials, annuals, shade-forgiving, and sun-fearing attention to detail is less up my alley or intrigue right now.  The seller of our house did us much good by taking care of overall landscape with low-maintenance nourishings.  Hostas, rhododendron, daylilies, rose bush, etc...plants that even Mike and I would need more skill than not to harm their survival.  And yet, I learn each year and each season the tricks that can help.  Trimming plants down to keep them in line as the spring wears on, instead of waiting until the fall to contour them.  Watering enough, but knowing that Mother Nature has her own special pours on hand.  When in doubt, call your mom and ask :)


What's more, is the feeling of growing vegetables with the simple joy of doing it, and by happenstance reaping the benefits of good eats which economically are a good fit.  Mike and I are in constant - aware, not anxious - communication about our monies and financial future as a family.  As the two of us, it was easier to let things slide more often; but a pup and a baby can tack on unforeseen costs that don't slide away from our minds as easily!  Minor, but helpful, the garden is a symbol of so many nuances: love, health, determination, and gratitude to name a few.  Just as I am loving my library fix every couple of weeks for the escape into good reads, with the economic benefit and subsequent bonus of the nostalgic, musty aromas within the pages and binding.  (Don't have an e-reader yet, and I believe I would find it a challenge to succumb to it.)


A lush life led here so far in PA, and we've so many seasons ahead to thrive!

a place of YES

 This post is dedicated to mothers.  Well, fathers, too, actually...Okay, for all caregivers, but it is in reference to the Mother's Day gifts I sent to my own Mama, MIL, and Mike's grandmother.  So, with that in mind, also note that I actually sent these Jackson-Pollock-inspired gifts to my entire family.

A place of YES is where I hope all my sisters, family and friends, and for those of you I don't even know, is a place I hope you can be, always.  The idea behind it - as far as I understand and receive it - is that if we live in a place of YES, most of what we wish, want, desire, aim for, is possible.  "Aiming to Grow" is something I titled this blog with the concept (although subconsciously) of YES in mind.  If you look at the word YES, you might undergo what I do.  A happy, positive, and uplifting feeling arises.  I might even nod my head involuntarily, just by recognizing the y-e-s lined up in a row.  This affiliation with good, encouraging thoughts, can help (re)create good, encouraging actions.

I am about to invest some serious time with my Master's internship.  Truly - I see clients this Saturday!  I am in for a year of chaos, curiosity, confusion, and hopefully some confidence thrown in from the start - derived mainly from being in this "place of the positive."  It's not a mentality I could necessarily put onto clients right away.  Experiencing something bad or traumatizing can make it  difficult enough to seek therapy, without being confronted by the all-go-lucky counselor sprinkling verbal fairy dust all over you.  It's not realistic.  It doesn't depict the authenticity of a person who will help guide you to better change in a constructive way.  And while I have even been told by professors and colleagues that my inherent belief that people are generally good could be a bias that prohibits me from viewing the therapeutic process most clinically, I know full well part of being a great therapist is by being yourself, in the room, with the clients, to develop a strong and trusting rapport.  This, I'm afraid, means me, coming into the room with a pool of YES stirring from within.

The YES gifts were made by Elle - she hated doing it :). But damn if I was going to be sans crafts for this Mother's Day, and so she dealt with the paint and canvas blocks, and bath shortly after.  Her hands helped create the YES I want to be a part of my family's lives, and the premise is certainly a push for what I hope my daughter can experience.  I am only a mother because of my parents love for one another, and because of the way Mike has loved me, and has continued to shape who I am as a wife, lover, and companion.  My dear Elliot, may you find the path of YES in your own little life, and know that I am determined to help you pave it in whichever way I can.

Let's all start believing a little bit more rather than living by any other negative, and see just how much change for the better we can actually create.

erotica.

With a glimmer caressing the eyelids, warmth transcends my flesh;
Drops of moisture quiver on every surface, tingling with hesitation and suspense.
A damp sensation erodes quickly any discomfort - at long last, my world is quenched.
Colors flash before me and hold my gaze,
Pinks, yellows, and sometimes blues feast upon hungry eyes.
I swallow hard the air which breathes so sweetly,
And I listen still to the calming sounds of wind and movement surrounding me.
Its presence is different now, larger than before -
More lively and seemingly more understood;
Certainly more appreciated even as the bosoms within my view undulate in fluctuation.
Come now!  For I am accepting of your lush,
Your euphoria, in its pleasure and its pain -
Knowing all too well,
It is fleeting.
Ending too soon, so enjoy and embrace one another.
Richly.
Peacefully.
SPRING.

The GOOD Life

It's one of those Sundays; it's the end to an always-short-but-must-always-be-appreciated weekend spent with the family.  I recently read, "If we are right in our view and happiness is assumed to be acting well, the active life will be the best" -- ARISTOTLE.  That guy was clearly, the man.  Or, the philosopher, anyhow.  With relaxation to boot, Mike, Elle, Winnie(!), and I all had our fair share of activity the past two days, and it feels so nice.  On a physical, and psychological level.  I went to a yoga class yesterday, with an instructor that I particularly enjoy, and she always knows exactly what the group needs when we come in.  Most of the time, her humor helps lead us into the tough positions, and encourages those who might be fighting to keep up, to just laugh at the pose, and be grateful for their current state.  I love her 'funny' method with regards to my state of mind during a good yoga practice, too.  I found that yesterday, since I hadn't been in a few weeks to a class, that I was mentally pressuring myself to be calm, let go, and search within...whatever.  She told some jokes while we're balancing on our toes, or with foot in hand during Dancer's Pose, and it helped knock that inner ego right out of my third eye, and just loosened the whole thing up -- my brain, and subsequently, my flexibility and pose.  Go figure!


Mike went running with Winn on Friday, and we each took her on a jog this morning.  There aren't many things in life that you participate in where undoubtedly you feel good/do not regret doing it afterwards, and exercise is certainly one of them.  I might not always sprint the fastest mile, or lift the heaviest weights, but that heart-rate thing?  The whole endorphins piece?  Yeah, Aristotle was right.  Action is best.  It lightens my whole day, and I wish I had the nerve to wake up at 5/5:30a during the week to have this kind of happiness start my day; but I'll blame Elle for that one :)


The rest of our Easter will entail a little ham-steak on the grill with a soy-mustard-honey glaze, alongside some charred pineapple rings, kale and mushroom sauteed in bacon fat, and mashed sweet potatoes.  Perhaps a glass of wine.  And most definitely, some snuggling with a teething lil' babe, who is putting up her own active-fight on confronting the gum pains very, very well, all things considered.


And, by the way - April tomorrow?!  Well, we welcome you, Spring!