my neighbor's fence

"They bought what?!"
"She gets to stay home with her kids."
"Wow - they are going on another vacation!"


So easy to be a nosy nellie, a materialistic voyer sometimes.  Be it of your friends, colleagues, coworkers, neighbors - even your family.  Or is it just me?  No, I'm pretty sure part of our human instinct is to drive for more, and yes, sometimes at the expense of our own appreciation for what is right in front of us.  Maybe it's a survival method.  Healthy competition.  Striving to succeed by envying another's accomplishments.  Envy is supposedly a deadly sin, but if it eggs on your determination and desire, maybe a little isn't so bad.  But the thing is, how do you know when your envy has turned to jealousy, or turned completely to self-deprication?


Recently I (re)encountered a famous quote, with a unique and fresh twist applicable to today's lesson :)  : "the grass is greener where you water it."  I not only like this quote - I crave it and try to use it personally and professionally.  For so much of my own life, I didn't fully understand the concept of self-care, or even personal accountability for my actions and reactions to a given situation, or social milestone.  Being in love for the first time at 15 was the "deepest" love I would know, and then breaking up from him was my "most devastating" loss.  I wouldn't ever again find the kind of love I envisioned when I was young.


I gained a bunch of weight after that breakup, turning to food for comfort and fulfillment.  I began journeying quickly the defeating path of low self-esteem, poor body image, comparison.  Sara Bareilles sings, "Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere."  And so for almost four years that mindset kept me at a minimum.  I was able to wade in my misery and justify my deficits by looking forward to a happiness that no Carly really deserved.  Comparing brought on further sadness and pushed off any unattainable dream.  But was this truthful?  That kind of sentiment and self-loathing may feel valid enough to fill a void for a time, but I would gladly hug and tell that adolescent self with affinity and assurance now:  "the grass is greener where you water it."


Working more today in the field of psychology, I am consistently reframing the negative-feedback mentalities of clients who lack what is viably most important in progress - faith in oneself, insight.  Biologically, there is sufficient research supporting that depressed brains are different than non-depressed brains.  Psychiatry can initiate for some to help the self-regulation of healthier cognitions and maintain a stability, if not also improve.  Psychology can offer tools for clients to function in collaboration with the medication, and perhaps provide even more long-term effects of mindfulness through several modalities which stem from meditation, positive thought, and living presently.  How very Zen, no?  How very gracious and applicable to those seeking (or simply needing) empowerment by way of their own accountability.  Their very own grass watering.


I don't believe, as noted above, that comparison is necessarily a bad idea all of the time.  Like most things, moderation is a friend.  It drives us, it feeds that ambition for more and general greatness.  Mike (the forbidden love that I did not know I deserved as a ripe teen) will remind me that his actions and work for our family is to help us feel security and have the things he knows he wants to offer us.  That work becomes his drive.  In many regards, during our near decade together, I've acknowledged this quality about him, but did not mirror him in mindset.  Maybe it's our asymmetry and balance of ideas or values that helps us work so well.  But I've also noted our perspectives together act less like a see-saw, fluctuating between us, and more like a meeting of the minds.


Be it in your personal or professional realm, in your love life, your health, your wealth, consumption, or simple pleasures, do not fear the comparison or drive for more, but do remember you are where you are, and who you are only now.  Graciousness can go a long way.  It's not only the drive up or forward, but the reflection on those "below" or "behind" to appreciate my belongings and myself.  I aim to grow, and with that I hope to be watering whatever I can to nourish and quench this soul.