old habits

Forgive me.  Really.  I say "sorry" way too much.  Ask my mom.  This is an old habit of mine that just has not gone away - albeit I don't really try too hard to erase the word from my vocabulary.  The word carries meaning no doubt, and under appropriate circumstances carries importance to someone for whom it's intended.  But perhaps not at the varying times/situations that I employ it.  It's habit, and an old one, so often subconscious.  I think this is where my mother often found difficulty in hearing or accepting it after a while.  Sort of, 'Carly Cries Wolf.'  ('Carly "Sorries" Wolf?')  They say things don't mean as much when stated too often; I didn't realize how much that statement meant or how right my mom was until I've recently heard my two year old repeating:  "I'm sorry."


I taught daycare for a total of about three years.  It was my first job out of college, and although I had parents (and acquaintances) refer to it as "playcare" or "what were you thinking??", it is really a tough gig.  Particularly as the top childcare centers now require their teachers to have teaching certifications, or better yet degrees in education.  (I worked for Bright Horizons Family Solutions who promises its clientele that soon all their staff will have a Bachelors in education.  I think they'd hoped by the year 2020 if I'm not mistaken -- and not too far away at this point.)  Academically aside, any job watching after and educating children of any age is strenuous.  I started out in preschool, but moved to (and quickly fell in love with) toddlers for the bulk of my time with the company.  There are so many wonderful 'firsts' with toddlers that I found enjoyable.  Let's get basic:  Walking.  Talking.  Using a cup sans lid.  Sounds so pointless, right?  Wrong.  SO incredible to engage with kiddos utilizing these life-long tools and discoveries, I was always so happy and in awe to be a part of their initial "a-ha!" moments like these in the classroom or out on the playground.  And despite it being a sad day when one of my most memorable kiddos, Ryan, didn't "need" me anymore to help him walk from the sensory table to his locker to get his coat on, we'd always have the next 'firsts' like how to put on that coat, or zip it up.  Toddlers, for me, were what was up.


So, by way of these incredible milestones they were achieving, including talking, I learned swiftly within the care of fellow BH staffers that there is great power in assisting the cherubs with the intent of their speech.  For instance -- "sorry" is to be used not repeatedly, not aimlessly, but with purpose.  In other words, the culture of Bright Horizons was not to force kids to say "sorry" if they did something wrong (and let's not tangent right now on what constitutes something as 'right' or 'wrong') or by mistake, but rather assess and encourage them to address what happened in a safe manner.  Scenario A)  Sally is playing with a toy.  Harry wants Sally's toy.  Harry walks up to Sally and grabs the toy from her hand.  Sally begins to cry.  Adult sees/hears this interaction take place, and makes Harry walk back over to Sally and give her her toy and dictates, "Harry, tell Sally that you're sorry."  From previous babysitting experiences and general observation of friends/families engaging with their own children, I saw this scenario play out numerous times in my life.  While there's not any absolute here, and not necessarily anything (again) wrong, it's just not what BH, or now myself as a parent, views as the most optimal usage of the word "sorry."


For what does this show Sally or Harry?  That there is a word that rectifies all missteps taken place by our friends or colleagues?  Or that there is a word that resolves any conflict without addressing the how's and why's of the situation?  Basically.  And it's just a cop-out essentially for the adult who observed said scenario and therefore believes that there is a word which needs no explanation or further input in shaping the children's growth and maturity levels for future conflicts.


Okay - this might be starting to look like a soapbox gone wrong.  I've been experiencing the cringe however.  The shoulder-raising-eye-squinting kind of cringe I imagine my mom must have first felt with me, as I have recently been hearing Elliot utter the words "I'm sorry" in circumstances that don't really need an apology.  And don't get me wrong, I believe there is importance to the phrase, and using it can truly affect more positively a situation that is unsafe, truly hurtful, or may need empathy.  I don't doubt that all words carry sentiment, and "I'm sorry" is included.  But when I am sitting on the couch watching Sesame Street with Elle, while feeding Oliver and checking Facebook like an asshole, and then hear "I'm sorry Mama" from sweet Elliot who has accidentally spilled her bowl of grapes.  I cringe.  I actually tear up (has happened already), and say, "Elliot, you don't need to be sorry, it's okay."  Then I put down my phone and try to be present with what has happened.  How many times has she heard me or Mike say "I'm sorry" for the all the silly things in life?  How often have I negotiated my way out of a hard task in front of her by saying "I'm sorry."  Old habits.  This is what I am getting at.  Yours will be different than mine, and mine is "I'm sorry."  I wear it on my sleeve, and Elle has caught on, thinking:  "If I say this I am forgiven; if I say these words I won't be hated."  Ughhh - not my proudest parenting moment so far.


And so, I work on now really listening to her as best as I am able, and if I hear this phrase under wishy-washy terms, I look her in the eyes and say, "how come you are sorry?"  Someday - and probably soon - I will likely get more of a reaction or response back from that question than a blink-blink and furrowed brow.  But what I am offering here is a chance for her to process the why.  She doesn't need to be sorry for accidentally spilling grapes.  And I want to be able to process that out with her.  She can be sorry for the circumstances as mentioned prior, i.e. safety (breaking a toy in half), hurtful (hitting her brother), empathy (supporting a friend - "I'm sorry your grandmother died").  But Elle can choose.  As I am sure all of you choose certain things.  I have family members that choose not to say "Bless you" when someone sneezes, for example.  The words/phrase doesn't carry the same weight for them as it does many others.


*Do note, by the way, Elliot is also in a daycare setting of her own three days a week, and Mike and I have observed individually from time to time at pick-up or drop-off there is often encouragement by teachers to the students of, "say sorry child X to child Y for issue ABC."  I get it.  It happens.  And thankfully it's not just my old habit that is affecting her.  No, the eternal struggle of nature/nurture/causal effects come into play here.  I just hope that as we parent, in addition to all of the kids' external factors, they remember that reflecting on why and how they are apologizing is as important as the "sorry" itself.  Hopefully whatever our kids' old habit is won't carry a negative connotation, but a mindful one.