one step forward, and two steps back.

Steps.



Step one. Step two. Back one. Step three. There's a certain instructional rhythm when you prioritize the goings-on in your life, but there's also a real meditative quality to it. Step four. Back two. Step five. Its that rhythm that can make you believe, these steps are worth taking. Step six, step seven....


Steps are all about babying yourself, really. Well, I should speak only for me. I feel like steps are a way to manage the things in my life that are too scary to leap for. In certain aspects I can make the jump. Family, love, friends. Maybe because those components are so enriched in my every day -- I've always got someone on my mind, either in relation to where I'm going and/or how they've helped me get there. I don't believe I can take claim to much in my life without acknowledging someone(s) assisted me along the way. Steps are the "micro-moments" that can numb us for a while when they become routine. Like when you're driving along a highway in the misty rain, and suddenly don't remember exactly driving the whole way? Steps can get lost, just as dreams can. And steps can be loud, just as dreams will be. Its just I can't forget that if you dream it, it can be true, but it doesn't mean that it will be true for you.


A man once loved by and married to Elizabeth Gilbert (the 'Eat Pray Love' phenomena) was divorced in part to his dreams awry, and also his lack of steps that brought him to fulfill any of them. At times, most recently in fact, I have felt like that person. That individual that speaks effortless philosophies about her life so open and free, time off feeling only empowering and that there are too many dreams to select which one should be achieved first. I realized tonight, that there are dreams meant to come to fruition, and others meant always to remain unattainable. That's why we dream. We are never meant to stand still and be complete with where we're at. It's true that you can find oneness, and set still your mind because of a great balance in your life. But I think what resonates most with me now, is understanding that humanity is not an entity intended for concrete boundaries. There are those who say "rules were made so that rules can be broken." Dreams, and steps are among the same. I think we are meant to strive for something more, something greater. And something as simple yet as challenging as finding work (for instance) is a boundary I find gets further from me with the more time I have off. And it's not always because the work isn't present. Granted the times are not perfect for choosing to quit your job right now, but the distance between me and the next gig also increases because I have this ability to choose and be picky. I am sidestepping my life so that what greets me down the road aligns with the balance I seek. School, marriage, family -- all of these things are important and dependent on what my job will be, so why wouldn't I take such finicky steps to make an assured leap of faith into a new position?


A lot of the time off has been "time on." I wheel myself back into this drone of job searching because it is the goal of my sabbatical, and still I want to believe that not all steps need to take me forward. Two months in, I have been able to put steps towards "the job" on hold to dance into other aspects of my life lost during my last role: reading, walking, yoga...even lovemaking. It's an amazing energy that gets absorbed in that M-F pattern, and I don't want to step aside any more of my hobbies, interests, or instincts. School starts at the end of the month, and so there is some sort of light ahead. As long as I do continue forward, despite the tangents along the path, I shall embark onto something wonderful, find the passion, and greet one of my dreams with a vigorous certainty that I took the right step.