erotica.

With a glimmer caressing the eyelids, warmth transcends my flesh;
Drops of moisture quiver on every surface, tingling with hesitation and suspense.
A damp sensation erodes quickly any discomfort - at long last, my world is quenched.
Colors flash before me and hold my gaze,
Pinks, yellows, and sometimes blues feast upon hungry eyes.
I swallow hard the air which breathes so sweetly,
And I listen still to the calming sounds of wind and movement surrounding me.
Its presence is different now, larger than before -
More lively and seemingly more understood;
Certainly more appreciated even as the bosoms within my view undulate in fluctuation.
Come now!  For I am accepting of your lush,
Your euphoria, in its pleasure and its pain -
Knowing all too well,
It is fleeting.
Ending too soon, so enjoy and embrace one another.
Richly.
Peacefully.
SPRING.

The GOOD Life

It's one of those Sundays; it's the end to an always-short-but-must-always-be-appreciated weekend spent with the family.  I recently read, "If we are right in our view and happiness is assumed to be acting well, the active life will be the best" -- ARISTOTLE.  That guy was clearly, the man.  Or, the philosopher, anyhow.  With relaxation to boot, Mike, Elle, Winnie(!), and I all had our fair share of activity the past two days, and it feels so nice.  On a physical, and psychological level.  I went to a yoga class yesterday, with an instructor that I particularly enjoy, and she always knows exactly what the group needs when we come in.  Most of the time, her humor helps lead us into the tough positions, and encourages those who might be fighting to keep up, to just laugh at the pose, and be grateful for their current state.  I love her 'funny' method with regards to my state of mind during a good yoga practice, too.  I found that yesterday, since I hadn't been in a few weeks to a class, that I was mentally pressuring myself to be calm, let go, and search within...whatever.  She told some jokes while we're balancing on our toes, or with foot in hand during Dancer's Pose, and it helped knock that inner ego right out of my third eye, and just loosened the whole thing up -- my brain, and subsequently, my flexibility and pose.  Go figure!


Mike went running with Winn on Friday, and we each took her on a jog this morning.  There aren't many things in life that you participate in where undoubtedly you feel good/do not regret doing it afterwards, and exercise is certainly one of them.  I might not always sprint the fastest mile, or lift the heaviest weights, but that heart-rate thing?  The whole endorphins piece?  Yeah, Aristotle was right.  Action is best.  It lightens my whole day, and I wish I had the nerve to wake up at 5/5:30a during the week to have this kind of happiness start my day; but I'll blame Elle for that one :)


The rest of our Easter will entail a little ham-steak on the grill with a soy-mustard-honey glaze, alongside some charred pineapple rings, kale and mushroom sauteed in bacon fat, and mashed sweet potatoes.  Perhaps a glass of wine.  And most definitely, some snuggling with a teething lil' babe, who is putting up her own active-fight on confronting the gum pains very, very well, all things considered.


And, by the way - April tomorrow?!  Well, we welcome you, Spring!

tick tock

"Time is relative."  That's what I've heard.  And I can certainly understand it more now when I think of my lil' bean, Elle.  She has been sick for almost 1 month now.  The sniffles, the coughing, the acquired germ-filled days of daycare led her quickly to both pink eye, and then a double ear infection.  :(  But the time it's taken on her.  Considering all this has happened within about 1 month, that's nearly 1/6 of her life!!  Whoa - talk about relative.  Mike, being sick for almost the past month is not any less annoying for him, but he can't say it's taken up such a percentage of his overall lifetime.


Time is also, as they say, "flying."  Confirmed internship spot for the next year starting in May, which means 2014 graduation is available and in sight(!).  Now just to gear up for being out of the house 6 vs. 5 full days by then...What's one more day, really?  Hopefully this upcoming year then of clinical work will also soar...


Now to get some rest - with regards to losing that precious allotment of time this morning - I am definitely feeling the ZzzZZZZzz's coming on extra early...

Wood or Silverware?

I have a confession.  I have been with someone while I have dated Mike.  Quite clearly, myself; but also, another entity with whom this month indicates I've spent 5 years.  All right, it's more of a knowing, or a meaning, rather than a thing or person...it's the practice of yoga!  And apparently, on a 5-year anniversary, the traditional/modern gift is wood/silverware.  Not sure what I could do regarding silverware for my mat, towel, and peaceful understanding of "Om," but wood is something I may be able to symbolically represent with this amazing love affair of mine.


I have all but one time practiced yoga on a wooden floor, which thus supported my mat/body.  [The one outstanding practice was a park-group-meditation, pretty neat!]  When I first began yoga, this wooden base offered me solace and comfort in child's pose, and the beloved, arguably most important pose of, Savasana (corpse's pose).  It was something my first teachers reminded me of - that Mother Nature, the earth, and our Universe supports us if we trust in its knowing and foundation.  So, in truth, the gift of wood is something that yoga has provided me time and time again.  My presenting of wood to yoga, may have happened yesterday while the class attempted Vriksasana (tree pose).  During this balancing sequence, my 5 years worth of yogic mindset and triumph across the various asanas allowed me to stand evenly, strongly, and proudly with arms raised high.  Next week, I might not be able to lift my arms as such, or each leg on either side, but it doesn't matter.  The "wood" of my tree balancing fluctuates just as any tree does in the wind, and just as any student of yoga understands that our practice must journey ups and downs, and even sideways at times!  Below are some other most helpful lessons that yoga has taught me.  In both my practice and in my life.  If you have thought about taking up yoga, I would absolutely encourage you to do so!  Its power is a self-realization, and how incredible is it to embrace the capability of internal empowerment?!  Thank you, yoga; Namaste!


-exist within the present moment (you are already here)
-the hardest part of yoga is getting onto the mat (you are already here)
-embrace what is, and do not hurt yourself to reach a pose (or goal)
-meditate
-BREATHE
-sit with yourself more often to listen to your body
-the longer you sit with yourself, the more your body shares with you (and adjusts to feel at peace)
-let go
-mind and body are one
-BREATHE
-thoughts create action, and actions perpetuate thoughts (you are more in control of this than you may believe)
-embrace your creative side
-allow modifications to help your process
-push, but do not harm (yourself or others)
-you are resilient and capable of many things

tabula rasa

A repeat post title (re: 1st post ever).  But a very different and important blank slate.


Tomorrow I go back to work - a new job (yes, another new job) - and Elle will be put into full-time daycare.  This is strange beyond many measures since I a) never thought my kids would be in daycare [certainly not full-time], and b) I have worked in childcare, so being on the other side of it is incredibly bizarre.  I am lucky to have perceptions as the former teacher and as the new parent, since it helped Mike and me narrow down a center that we liked:  safe, nurturing, creative, established, FUN.  Even after the decision was made, were other precautions or nerves available to settle in, we quickly discovered one of the administrator's 2 future grandchildren will be enrolled there in the coming months.  Has to be a half-decent environment if their own family is comfortable, right?!  All in all, we are very happy with the choice, as tomorrow we'll be dropping her off.


Now, onto the idea of leaving her with other people.  No, the idea of leaving her - period.  Mike and I already teared up about it last night.  It's already been laughed/joked about with the teachers there that she'll be more than fine, and we're the ones who are going to be the crying wrecks come drop-off.  I had an amazing 6 months at home with Elliot, and am so thankful for the support from Mike, family, friends, and everyone else during that time.  It wasn't always easy.  It wasn't even always fun, but reflecting on it I wouldn't change a thing, and I can just imagine waking up tomorrow regretting going back to work and putting E in school all together!  But, I digress, change is never easy.  It takes work, it takes time, and it takes that support on which I just spoke from those surrounding you with love.  Elle will have a blast with other children.  She'll be stimulated by other toys and crafts and learning that wasn't yet accomplished in this house.  And I, too, will be stimulated once again by business, adult speak, and working towards a life outside the home, in a career I have realized should be my own.


The office I will be helping manage is a mental health (hooray, the field!) office that serves clientele and their families who need psychotherapy with or without additional psychiatric care.  The director's vision (whom I am quickly admiring) has always been to collaboratively work with other medical/counseling professionals to offer traditional and alternative health options for her clients.  Prescribing medication can be a step towards recovery, but she believes most in working holistically with the client's daily living to help them create change (re: never easy, takes work, time, and support) towards a most healthy well-being.  This vision, is a process that seems so simple, and yet with the financial downside of collaborating with other PCPs and explaining that the "splits" of insurance reimbursements between the medical/therapeutic components of this wellness plan behooves all parties involved, has not been so smooth.  After 25+ years she has trudged towards this vision, many pieces are falling into place, and I will be a part of the administrative team helping maintain it, and helping it expand that much more.  Exciting!


A 5-day week will turn into 6 come May, when I add internship hours on for good measure.  Graduation is just over a year away, but the clinical experience will sum things up.  I am nervous for the challenges ahead, and not just in my counseling path, but those within my family dynamic as well.  It's one thing to start adding to the income-pot, but another to ask of my husband, yet again, to mold his day-to-day by taking care of Elle much more than he has up until now.  Of course, being a great father and husband, to him it's not of much concern; it just takes creative scheduling.  And communication, upon which our relationship has really blossomed.  And for that, we are so grateful.  I am so thankful for someone who helps me relinquish my doubts and fears out to the universe, an entity which simultaneously grants me assurance and bravery, so long as I am putting forth also those positive energies into the hands of our macrocosm.


For now, without thinking so far into the future or so distant into the world's empowerment, I will eat up this last "Mom-only" Sunday with our trio, and enjoy the nuances that make it so wonderfully ours.  Who knew this life I imagined, would not only exist in my dreams...

My brain is a walk-in closet

When I think about the way my brain works, it's hard to fathom the daily, and minute-by-minute processes that happen.  Even when we sleep, the brain is acting on conscious and subliminal levels to accommodate the way we think, behave, remember, etc.  Seriously, take a second to let that glorious sponge of yours expose how magical it is.  .... .... Too cool to ignore, right?!  And pretty overwhelming sometimes!


So fortunately, during class last night, the idea that my brain is such an anomaly ('mine' as in anyone's brain capacity), seemed a bit simpler as we began discussing how human nature and the brain compartmentalizes on a fairly regular, and organic basis.  The brain is really its own fantastical entity, and I can be thankful it does so much for me without my direct input.


My course this semester is focused on multicultural counseling; including, but not limited to, factors of:  race, gender, sexual orientation, age, ethnicity, class, and socioeconomic status.  As we explore these topics - separately and how they interrelate - there can be quite a jarring notion of what categories or stereotypes that my brain has shaped over the past two+ decades.  Biases, in other words, are continually developed, and the awareness of them is a step in the right direction of becoming a good therapist (and in my opinion a good person, but for another post); after all, who knows what client(s) will enter my professional life.  How do I interpret the person of color who comes into the office?  The older, widowed adult?  The child in a wheelchair?  The gay woman?  What is my assumption of anyone?


Like other components on which I have written regarding an altruistic, honest life, these are career questions which must be reflected on again and again.  My answers to them today are probably different than what they will be ten years from now.  I can assure you they are different than what they were ten years ago.  I began to visualize the magical brain atop my crown as an organized closet of sorts (and if I am dreaming of it being within my mind) a walk-in closet, ever-expanding.  The shelves on which I rest my values might be where I display shoes in real life.  Different ones for different occasions.  The hangers may hold my hang-ups or negative biases that are not easy to donate or throw away.  So instead, how may I incorporate their existence on my behalf?  How many of my assumptions of others' lifestyles are hand-me-downs, passed generation to generation?  [Note:  I don't intend here to single out solely negative assumptions, but also the enriching worldviews from my ancestors.  Analogously, the vintage gems that never go out of style :)]  The plush sweatshirts and pajamas might be the hypothetical clothing I wear when desiring to mask my discomfort with a particular client.  And my winter coats might be available to be zipped tight if ever I feel too guarded to self-disclose information that could actually help the client and I develop a stronger rapport.


For whatever reason, this analogy represents seamlessly how I assess and categorize other people in my life.  And as fashion and psychotherapy have each proven over time, being aware of my own style is important for myself and those with whom I interact.  There is a need to adapt my style within various situations, and likelihood that good tailoring of it must also occur in order to become an optimal clinician.

January is cold!

Just a small, straightforward post regarding the COLD, cold weather that has been going on these past few days!  January and February are always a bit harsher than when Winter begins.  Its "romantic" notion of a solstice on 12/21 always makes me forget that the season can be cruel post-holidays!  M and I took both girls Elle and Winnie out for a walk today and did not get very far, even with the sun shining on us.  And while it's hard to complain when there's no snow, and that absence means more time walking and parading, rather than shoveling and slipping, it's just - BrrrrRRrr - be warm this season.


On another front (not much else), class has begun.  I've also sent out my resume to internship sites and will hopefully land a role at a center where the clientele opportunity is plentiful in hours, and rich in experience.  Considering it's all new from my viewpoint, I am sure such diversity will present itself!  Interesting and so nice to know that a year from now I will be entering my final semester of school, and will be able to make out the graduation light at the end of my academic tunnel!  Exciting things all around.


Will be visiting with close friends next weekend in Virginia, and am so happy to be introducing Elle to a family near and dear to our hearts.  Their daughter is also under 1, so it will be a fun-filled, diaper-derby time!  Hopefully these sun-shining, freezing temps are no worse for wear as we travel.  Now, off to put on a sweater...