Left, Right

Shoulder angels.  Remember them from the movie Emperor's New Groove?  There is an angel on one side, and a not-so-nice-devil-like being on the other.  I think everyone has these little guys, or conscience, which portrays itself in one's own way to encourage and confuse the weighing of daily decision making.  


I think of my shoulder "Carly's" this evening, after making a delicious breakfast-for-dinner plate composed of scrambled eggs with sausage & veggie fixings, and a side of some bacon slices; this meal is followed by what I referred to as "needs to be eaten" cake.  Can't let it go to waste!  My sister-in-law was visiting this weekend and as her birthday is tomorrow, I wanted to make her a dessert she enjoys to help with early celebrations.  My shoulder naysayer popped up tonight right after I ate the treat, and nudged my heart strings whispering, "Gym?!"


Yes, the internal gym suggestion was as much a dis as it was a treat.  Until Elle was 3 months, it was something I went to more occasionally when Mike was free to watch her.  Fortunately now we can add her on as a little mini member, and I can bring her during the day to get this post-pregnancy butt back into gear.  There have been nice days and weeks with warm weather to get walks in, but as the leaves turn and breezes caress the face, these walks are a heavy mix of leisure and a desired, accelerated heart rate.  The few yoga classes I've been to have also been cleansing, but I am ready to sweat.  If only to not buy a whole new wardrobe...


Hopefully even more than a physical transformation will come out of my being able to bring the girl to the daycare at our gym, and as Thanksgiving calories loom, I am thankful in advance to have a supportive husband who loves me and my bodily transitions at any time.  And the menu of our first family holiday in PA will hopefully maintain an exciting and well-rounded spread of gobbling grub.


GRATEFUL and GROWING. 

awakening

I am, as they would say, awakening myself back into this world.  Of life.  Of a blog-o-sphere.  Of connecting!  To myself, and on a more global scale, my self.  Seeing that my last post was in the spring of this year; oh my, how time flies!  And much has changed.  Mike and I moved into our house - with flying colors.  We have been able to move in, host a couple get-togethers, create rooms which have since created more of a "homey" feel to the place, making the whole situation real.  We have bought a house.  Incredible!  Mike's tenacity in saving dollars, and supporting my dreams of doing so at a young age has really transformed 2012 to be an amazing year.


We had our daughter.  A first child!  Incredible yet again.  She sleeps for the moment, and I can get back to writing somewhat.  She is three months already, and it's as cheeky as others will tell you - the time goes soooo fast.  Her name is Elliot, or Elle, for short.  Her middle name is (as we would also like the middle names to be for additional children) a family name:  Alexander.  It was my paternal grandmother's maiden name, and subsequently the middle name for my dad and his siblings, and most recently my sister, Sara.  It carries great meaning as any family name would for us; Mike and I plan on choosing those which are not only nice phonetically, but nice sentimentally as well.  My grandmother, who I literally knew as "Grandmother," was an amazing woman.  Warmhearted, spunky, classic.  Something any little girl would be lucky to grow into.  So here's hoping young, Elle.


To say those would be all that happened over the course of many months would be silly, but clearly the major happenings.  Parenthood is in many ways just as I imagined, but in more ways nothing like you read up on.  Particularly, Mike and I went through some of the hardest times in our relationship as we ever have.  In all honesty, up until those moments, we have had an unusual 8 years together in that we rarely fought.  And when we had done so, it was more like pushing buttons and encouraging something to feel like we were in the midst of anything 'normal' compared to many friends.  Like how most would probably describe their own fights, I can't remember any of significance now (this is likely because they were ridiculous in the first place).  But the anger, stewing, and disappointment in the fights we've had since Elliot was born, are more impacting.  It's most likely the fatigue and frustrations from a newborn that help feed the intensity of such arguing; so this was very new to us.  To me.  I don't normally hide my feelings with Mike by any means, but I was discovering such disappointment about myself as a new mom, that I couldn't grasp also how the two of us were putting ourselves in what was possibly a detrimental place compared to everything that we had built over nearly a decade together.  


No fear, we have surpassed this drama, and are now really in an even better position than ever.  Mike has had the chance already to spend some quality alone time with Elle and recognize that his compassion in being a father really is there.  His worries about achieving something so grand at such a young age, in accompaniment to living up to the title of "Dad" which he never earned with his own father, have probably not totally disappeared.  But his ability to calm her, make her giggle and talk, keep her in his thoughts throughout the hard days back at work prove to me that he will be nothing short of remarkable as a parent.  As I always knew.  As I always knew I would have in my life partner.  This creature, this being made from our love, has given us more than happy times.  She has exposed the doubts and fears that give us realness we could never repay.  Although we may try.


And as motherhood flows inside me in a most natural thought-process, the actions are still a learning curve, and will probably always be so.  Patience and flexibility are values I preach, but are harder still to embody when I am so routine.  Practice, practice.  And no time like the present:  little Elle is waking up from her nap.  Good to be back!   

a love letter to my husband

An email I wrote to Mike about a week ago.  He's going through a grueling week of work these next four days, and I just want everyone to see the power and strength he has in himself to succeed - for his own personal goals, and his family ambitions.  He supports me in everything I do, and I only ever hope to do the same throughout each day we spend together.  

I love you, Mike. <3

Hey goob -

I just wanted to write and let you know that I am so in love with you.
Sometimes it's hard for me to say goodnight to you when you're not in
the bed, because it feels like goodbye.  I know that's silly - I just
love knowing you're there to keep me warm, safe, and like a wonderful
woman.  You've made me the happiest woman to know I am fulfilling a
life-long dream of pregnancy and bearing our child made from that
love.

The house we live in is so wonderful, and it would not have happened
without your hard work.  The 5 years you're coming up to at GE is
remarkable - in the speed 5 years took to the time you really spend at
the office, which has probably felt more like 6 or 7!  I am so proud
of you, and so glad that you are fulfilling life choices you have set
your mind to as well.  Earning a good job, turning it into a hopeful
career, and becoming the man of the house/husband/father-to-be you
envisioned.

I hope that these next two weeks go well for you at work, with the
workout and getting the project up and running.  Always more to do,
but you take it in stride.  You get onto your work computer at any
time of night and move through what's in front of you.  You still take
the time to get your dessert/ice cream and enjoy the NBA game on,
because you are so good and recognizing the big picture.  You give
yourself the time and energy to be a part of your successes and I look
up to that.  It can be too easy for me to get wrapped up in the little
things that I believe are 'holding me back,' and I just have to
remember to turn to you and breathe in/breathe out.

I am so thankful for you, and I am thankful for the work we put into
our relationship.  It makes it rich, and it makes it ours.  Have a
good day today, you're doing wonderfully in so many things.  Continue
being yourself and all will be well.

See you tonight,
Your adoring friend, wife, and rock,
Carly

to each her own?

I've got quite the update to express before beginning on this blog...


Mike and I have purchased our first home (!) and despite the time lapse between postings here, it happened within what felt like minutes. We had started our search in the beginning of January - meeting with a referred realtor and compiling our "definitelys" and "maybes" and "no ways" regarding the initial group of listings she sent our way. Our apartment lease isn't up until the middle of May - so we figured, January, perfect. Plenty of time to start the search.


So, we organized our near 20-home search and spread the listings out over 2 days. (20 was a lot to see in one weekend, but it was our first search, and we had narrowed the 17 or so down from 90 choices, so we felt pretty good about it!) That Saturday, as we're about a third of the way through searching houses, we were finishing up in one of the listed homes, pretty begrudgingly. We had not only walked into a house that was in use, but literally at that moment in use with tenants, or whomever lived there at the time - 2 young adults, their toddler, and their dog - watching the T.V. and eating lunch. We anxiously avoided them, trying not to say out loud what we were thinking (good or bad), and meandered upstairs and outside to take it all in. (Fortunately, this scenario was not the norm as we searched that weekend; at least if the houses weren't vacant, the owners were not present to judge our judging!) Leaving fairly disappointed with the situation, but more so with the house, we got into the car and decided to drive a different way around the neighborhood.


And now, let a little fate commence. However we want to "explain" it, we were leaving the area down an adjacent, quiet street and saw a 'For Sale' sign outside of what appeared to be a darling single family home. Our realtor pulled the car over and then in the midst of calling the seller's realtor, the (assumed) owners walked out the front door. "Perfect!" our realtor exclaims while jumping out of the car, simultaneously putting the other office on hold to speak with the kind couple who just left their house. They were leaving for another showing they were expecting within 30 mins, and said we could of course make our way inside before the other group came by. By the time they left and our own realtor got off the phone with the other, we were already falling for it - and this was just looking at shutters and siding in the afternoon sun! We also were able to confirm why the house had not fallen in within our initial listings; just that day the property had dropped $20k to within our price point: jackpot.


In short, it didn't take much more than the moments outside and a few on the interior to know this was the benchmark by which all of the other planned listings would be measured. We went back on Monday night to get in our 2nd viewing (really just to be in the presence of the home we loved again!), made the offer Tuesday, had a quick and easy negotiation point over Wednesday/Thursday, and scheduled the inspection on the following Sunday. Yes. 8 days between sight and sign, and boy, were we sold!


Amidst this crazy, serendipitous process, something else magical was happening, adding to the excitement and chaos of house-searching...I confirmed shortly before we started looking for homes that I was pregnant. We kept mum until the "safe" 12 week period or so, but knowing that a house was indeed ours (pending mortgage approval and the fun of closing), the pregnancy news was nothing but extraordinary to share. It is our first, and as 2012 has shown already, the baby will be welcomed into a year of other firsts (home, new town), and welcomed into lots of love -- this truth made very clear after we made the calls and sent the emails to family and friends with news that a little one is on the way.


So, like I said - lots of news to share before getting to the meat of my rant, today. With the new house and the new pregnancy, would it be anything but reality and fantasy mixed together unless others' opinions began flooding our mental inboxes (Mike's and mine)? When you have news to share, usually no matter how small, someone has got a similar experience, or has got a 'friend of a friend' whose experience is something to note. This little anecdote meaning that, with the big news of home and baby - WHOOSH! In came the "did you know?'s" and "have you thought about?'s" ?????


"To each her own" is something I want to put across while writing this post, because it's a belief I have as a human being, a global citizen, a woman, a partner/spouse, a future clinician, etc. To harness and evaluate equally all the incoming information (medical, professional, or layman) regarding the baby, in particular, would be cruel and unusual punishment to my psyche and my heart. Regardless of this being my first pregnancy, some other mothers have informed that the opinion-pushing from their friends, family, colleagues, and doctors doesn't stop after the first: people have always got something to say.


Now, as a counselor, I would look at someone's remark (i.e. about natural childbirth vs. the epidural; the working vs. stay-at-home mom; to vaccinate vs. not vaccinate) and say, "with what intention does this person make such a statement?" or, "from what piece of their past/background does this opinion stem?" As a woman, and a mom-to-be, I kinda just feel like saying "thank you, I hear you, now move along!" Honestly, even when it's something I agree with, sometimes the intention feels disconcerting. For instance, it is my goal to experience natural childbirth (until otherwise medically necessary during labor), and if a friend has said "yes, it's 'natural' for a reason, and every mother should try like you!" This is not a fair statement in my eyes. I am hoping that this experience is something I can endure (physically and emotionally), but it is my experience; and with the discussion with a supportive partner, Mike, we can make this decision based on our rights and wants and needs as a family unit. Not every mom should be doing anything. Except, of course, doing what her body, mind, and soul should - and that is whatever is personal and individual to her.


I can't explain this much more without getting political or adverse to acknowledging outside discussion (and with all the other campaigns constantly surrounding us, let's leave that to other more interested folks), but what I can say is to each her own. Or "his," or "their," or "our" -- in whatever way possible -- let the parents be the parents. We will not always be in agreement with our friends or family about the choices we make, and this goes for entities outside of the world of parenting. But what we can do as humanely possible, is listen to what they choose and try to understand or at least appreciate it as their decision. And, if they do seem to actually question what they are saying that they want, perhaps then our opinions may be of use.


Just be kind. With however you view another's lifestyle, be kind, it is not yours. At first we may see it as uneducated, but to me the differences are often out of what we choose to know. The medical world may never fully agree with a more holistic world. And vice-versa. I practice yoga, put faith into meditation and mantras, and believe that our female bodies were built to bear children. But this doesn't mean every woman should have children nor that every woman that does needs to avoid C-sections or pain medication at all costs to her well-being (her whole well-being). I also believe that ill-trained medical professionals can lead their practice through the guise of fear, which causes many women to believe that C-sections (for example) are the only intervention when labor gets tough. But whatever she (being the sister, friend) decides as her entrance into motherhood, she is entering Motherhood - something I value as one of the most remarkable stages in a woman's life - and she is bringing another life into the world. Let us not tarnish the new life by acting out as a part of the world that is immediately on guard or defensive.


Let us make the most of this new life by opening our arms and our minds wide with acceptance and love.

12

What a wonderful number, the number 12. First of all, it looks pretty. Straight, then curvy. A beautiful juxtaposition. Saying it aloud allows your whole mouth to be a part of the process -- First the tip of your tongue clacking against your front teeth to punctuate a "T," then the chin dips in a downward dive with pursed lips kissing the air to make a "W," your tongue has another exercise exploration in rounding out the beloved "L," and finally the famous move by Billy Crystal-aka-Harry in When Harry Met Sally "white-man overbite" to culminate the "V" of the word. Twelve. Say it, you'll see.


In addition to its tantilizing linguistic qualities, the number 12 represents a combination of other special characteristics, with its multipliers and divisors that I observe in my everyday life. I am from a family of 6, 1 of 4 daughters - though now I consider the other 2 female in-laws in my life to make it 6 girls between my families. There were 3 black pups romping around the Christmas clatter in Maine this year; there are 3 of us thus far in my own family with Mike and Windsor reigning in the new year with me. We had 2 guests visit us on the early eve of New Year's this past Saturday as Mike's sister and beau in tow went out of their way to see us and drop by with some good laughs and cheer. Subsequently, we had 6 friends join us for the Dick Clark special, some sparkling wine, and board games (of course). And at the stroke of 12 we welcomed in this new year of '12, sealed with a kiss or 2. We may not have been singing "Auld Lang Syne" (12 letters long), or continuing to chug champagne, but the mystical feeling that a new year had begun certainly made its way to my heart.


Some approach these new Januarys year-to-year with a fear -- a fear that whatever wasn't accomplished in the days before will haunt them in the months ahead. I suppose that is where resolutions first came from, the fear that we had to "be better" than before, and that it was appropriate when the calendars begin again to fully commit ourselves to goals that we probably could have been working towards all along. The Mayans suspect that this year, 2012, during the 12th month, on the 21st day (backwards 12), that the world is going to end. Do resolutions need to count more than ever if our time is less and less this year around?


I don't know that resolutions ought to be kept sacred for one time of the year. As I have come to know, we are in fact vehicles of our own successes, and the goals worth fighting for are usually the outcomes we meet with pleasure. Similarly, if we leave our fate up to the Mayans, or anyone else in our life that we believe decides our destiny, then we often greet such outcome with disappointment. Whether you encounter a horrible day or this year the world in fact does end, the legacy we leave behind should at least be composed of personal convictions of self-worth and growth, and not the murmurs of what others think of or for us.


Take 2012 on with gusto - as you should each coming year. Work hard and play harder. Spend time with friends and ignore those who bring you down. Do work with those who challenge you - but don't allow room for negativity to cloud the fact that you are trying your best for the kind of success you seek. We do not all search for the same results in our lives, and so our standards must be individualized; otherwise I could say "I should have/should be/should do" until it's 12 o'clock at night again and then repeat it begrudingly when I wake. My goals this year are to continue those from years' past and build up my life the way I have always envisioned: continue schooling (in and outside of the classroom), create a home whereever Mike and I are living, expand our family (in joy and perhaps little children beings), and appreciate the earth that supports us -- for however longs she chooses to do so.


Happy New Year, and health and wealth to all in each facet of life!!

put a fork in me

I'm done. This week is nearly over (work-wise), and thus, Turkey celebrations can begin with family, friends, pets, and so on. The school semester is now a couple weeks away from its end too; although, don't let me ever fool you that I dislike being back in school. I am reminded often on the drive home after lectures (like the one last night) that I am finally en route to what will be fulfilling for me professionally. We hear as we age compliments of our skills or personality characteristics that others observe, and then apply to jobs they believe we would do well in: counseling (check), nursing, teaching, rehab, etc. For me, the human services field has always resided within me, but I couldn't tap its energy until going back to school. I couldn't make it my own reality until I realized I was the one who needed to be proactive and make the reality possible. Spending time babysitting throughout childhood, teaching preschool and toddlers, or taking on an RA position in college allowed me to exercise the skills I think benefit counselors today - including mass communication techniques with various personalities - but I never realized the personal benefit in exercising these skills professionally until I met my husband, who is someone that sought a mate who works alongside him in the relationship and in the workforce. Mike shares with me his desire to build up with another the intellectual and financial base for our future family.


We are going to try and have a child in the next year or so, and for most who know me, this is a dream I knew would come to fruition because it was a reality I've wanted since I was young. Regardless of what others have ever said about my abilities to listen and empathize (making it now seem possible for me to counsel others), 'motherhood' was always an innate sense of belonging I felt within myself and the surrounding spirituality of what life offers. I feel grounded and empowered when I envision raising children, alongside a partner and husband who supports our life together emotionally and physcially. It is a truth I have yet to experience, but the only truth in my life of which I am 100% certain.


I am thankful for the time I've shared with Mike over the past 7 years, and it is my hope we continue to support each other individually, in our independent dreams and aspirations, because this embrace will continue to foster the unity of our future family. I am thankful for traveling up to New England for the holidays again this year - both Thanksgiving and Christmas - because our families' time in NH and ME are limited. I am thankful for my sisters who have their own supporters in life, encouraging them to be the best versions of themselves and for my sisters to be secure enough in doing the same towards their partners. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning by growing up and growing outwardly through other philosophies. I am thankful for the "everydays" that remind me of the special people I get to see all the time. PA is becoming more and more of a home, rather than just an interim; and I am grateful for feeling rooted in our journey as we carry on.


What are you thankful for?

the month of macintosh

In more ways than one, this past month was about the apple. Autumn has arrived, and to spend our 1st anniversary as a married couple, and to honor the start of this glorious season, we went to a nearby farm with friends to pick our galas, fuji, delicious, and other bushels of the fruit which defines this time of year. It was a wonderful day, although I don't know that Mike nor I had ever picked apples while sweating, batting off bugs, and wishing we had brought galoshes to tackle the puddles accumulated over the weeks before - at least we hadn't handled such circumstances all at once like this time around.


Nevertheless, we explored the market first at Shady Brook Farm in Newtown and Yardley. We went to this farm last year, and fell in love with the mass amounts of homemade apple cider (Mike), and their mass amount of homemade ice cream flavors (Carly - pumpkin, obviously). This time, Mike and I also filled up a basket full of their newest produce: kale, squash, tomatoes; we also invested in some interesting (despite not incredibly local) finds: figs, peach-pear currant, and a roasted garlic cheese spread. What splendors found at side stands! Although I can't let my delicate sidesteps into this culinary basket of treasures mask the size of Shady Brook. It is truly a wonderland -- they have a pumpkin festival along with a corn field maze throughout apple picking season, and by the holidays they construct huge metal sculptures which are lit up and exemplify the elves, holly, and Christmas cheer come winter. (Much like Lights on the Lake us SU alums remember, yes?!)


So, amidst our feasting eyes, we get up to the register, spilling our contents of glorious finds and ask excitedly about the apple picking. "There is none." (Yes, said so apathetically via the lips of a teenage boy bored to tears to be working on his precious Sunday). Me, so much more politely, "What do you mean? Is it...too early to pick? (September, not time of day)" "We lost most of our crop thanks to all the hurricanes." Oh Nooo!! How sad, and how unfortunate for them. What seems like pennies when paying for a bucket of apples at just about $10, surely Shady Brook was losing more than just fruit, but dough as well. We felt glad to be able to buy from their market, and enjoy some of their homemade goodies out on the picnic tables out front before reconvening with our friends.


"We passed another farm on our way up here," brilliantly told by our friends Lauren and Kyle. I guessed it was Styer Orchard, Mike and I had picked there with some 'Cuse visitors during one of our first falls in PA. Just down the road, we gave it a go, and hoped that despite the short distance, we'd be able to revel in the picking of our apple crop for the season. (Or at least the first batch). Fortunately, Styer's was not only open for business, but bumpin' with a crowd - likely some who also left Shady Brook to enjoy some fall festivities - and we ended up taking both a tractor ride and a schlep out to another section of the orchard for a different variety. Sticky and sweaty, it was well worth the trek - less than two weeks out from the pickin's and Mike and I had made 4 apple pies and an apple crisp. Even better, these make great gifts during this time of year, and so we offered them to friends who either couldn't make it that day, or had exciting news of their own (we have a couple pregnant with their first due around Easter time!)


It's no surprise this is a favorite time of year, and this apple picking adventure proved as much why. It involves some work, some friends, literally some fruit of one's labor, and a beautiful day away from the noise of technology and all other things modern; it just puts me specifically in a good place of nostalgia and thinking about the hard work such farmers do into getting their orchards primed.


On another level of Macintosh, and a slight switch from the above sentiment, Steve Jobs died last week, creator and innovator of the beloved Apple, Inc. An achiever, a hard worker, an inventor, a family man, a business pro, and a creative soulful genius, in many ways the world lost one of a kind when he passed. Obama pointed out interestingly enough on the very devices that catapulted our world into speed and accessibility was Jobs' death circulating. People come and go, but if you read up on the kind of person Jobs was, as a professional but even more as a human being, it's no wonder the world should be in some mourning. The video that has been most talked about, is the graduation speech he gave at Stanford over 6 years ago. Jobs recites 3 main chapters in his life which help enlighten the bystander into the kind of person and magician he really was. "..the only way to do great work is to love what you do...don't settle." And morbidly, but honestly: "Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."


As I sit here tonight and think about all the extra work I have been putting in at my job, and the papers I have looming in my head for the rest of the school semester, I remember this month of September into October as the month of the apple. A month that meant we lost a great person who changed our world, but reminded us that we are given the opportunities to enjoy ourselves with friends and family, and to do what we can to be happy and purposeful. Thank you to this magical month, and to the magical people I have in my life. So many more orchards to explore together!