p.s.

this last one's for dan.

brand name

So I have allergies. Some serious allergies. I get them every year now, but they're always worse than the year prior. I remember being a kid, seeing my dad (hearing, him too) sneezing, coughing, gruffing, pissed at the world during marigold season come autumn. Now, and for the last 6-8 years, I comprehend and pass along the pissy attitude to Earth's spring season. Damn pollen.


Not to mention that this whole "moving south" that happened a year+ ago has not adjusted my nose to the more temperate climate. Mike and I traveled, dog in tow, a couple weekends ago to Rhode Island to visit my sister. It was wonderful, and gorgeous. Earth hadn't looked so luscious, so virginal. Just five hours north of us, RI was receiving the glorious blossoms that PA had nearly a month before. This is probably the trip that my allergies decided to boost up.


So, I come home - we're nearly there - and I decide it's time to give in and take the allergy pills. "Pull over at CVS!" Get out, get pills - cheap, store brand. Home. Take one of the "24-hour" tablets and sleep. Scratch that. Try to sleep.


Guess what didn't happen?


So on to work I went that Monday and happened to be sneezing - STILL! (I know...) - and decided I was going to be proactive. After all, the universe responds to what we send out, not necessarily what we desire. How can the sneezing go away without some serious effort on my part? Off to CVS, then the grocery store to find the best, most affordable Claritin package possible. 24 hour coverage = take two just in case. Nothing helped! I'd like to say they're almost gone, but it's not fall yet...


On to the next brand name. Is it convenient that "brand" sounds like "grand?" In either case, that's what brand names do, they want you to believe that they're more worthy, or powerful, or special. They know best because they cost more. They out-do the other generics because they have the trademark to prove it. Isn't it just a name? I could brand myself and I would be no different until I gained a super power. I could earn all the money I want and do with it as pleased and deep down I would still be myself. I would still be Carly.


Some people change as a result of great change. But I don't believe that brands are the great change. They're facades. They're veneers. They're the outside aesthetic and people perceive, but are being deceived by. More recently I've been struggling with this realization in regards to my professional life. What at my job is defining me, and what am I defining? Should they really be different? I support the company, but don't agree to all of their policy. I work hard, but at times it's not enough by the brand's standards. And certainly not enough education. I struggle to BELIEVE that I can make the change I wish, even thought i KNOW it's that simple. So you work it at. You stay proactive. There will be lulls, but on the upswings, create an upside.


There's no other brand that I wish than being myself. And while making mistakes will help me, I'm rather shoot for the mis-nots.

the messy stuff

Call it greed, call it puppyhood, call it indecisive, but our little dog Windsor has been doing something very curiously ever since we got her, and only this morning did I reflect on her actions as something much more than what they probably actually are. She's not quite a large dog yet (she'll get there I'm sure), but her size is all irrelevant to her personality. A smaller body does not mean her character is lacking. She obtains her individual personality just as much as any young puppy, toddler, adult, regardless of her physique, and maybe this comical behavior of hers is just a result of her feeling limitless and without recognition that boundaries do exist.


The toys, for example. We have what most would buy for their dog I assume - the rope toy (in 2 sizes), a Kong, tennis balls, a frisbee, and this wonderful plastic ball with a net-like exterior in which you can stuff treats for her to work at excavating (bought for us, acutally! Thanks M and R!). Windsor will take out each toy one a time from her little pile in between bookshelves along the living room wall, and systematically places them about the carpet. Setting up what looks like either an obstacle course, or laziness on the part of Michael and me not cleaning up. When a ball and/or rope toy is thrown across the room and down our little front hallway, she'll zoom up to it as any dog would, and collects it in her mouth to return to owner as any retriever should. The funny thing is, she picks up all the toys in line of her retrieval, disregarding that the pair of them (i.e. two tennis balls) may not yet fit in her sweet, little, 5-month old mouth.


But, despite our doubts, her smarts got the best of us, and she has proven once and again many times over that yes, she can fit two toys in her mouth, and I'm betting she won't stop at two toys before she grows to her full size.


Walks, for example. We take her out in the morning before and the evening after work and she is always eager to march on with her mom and dad. She pulls a little still, so many Spring smells to ponder, and people to see, but overall she walks very well, and is getting better sticking close to our hips, walking in a "lion-stride" alongside us. The one aspect of her daily walks that never ceases to make us laugh, is the way in which she goes about her "stick time." She'll spot a twig, a stick, a branch about 100 yards ahead of us, and will focus full speed on retrieving that very limb at no cost to the ambition of herself. Mind you, this is not just any stick, typically. Imagine those pine branches that fall or break off trees with about a foot or foot and a half of stick, followed by the brush and pine needle clusters that feather the end. Got it? Now, imagine to yourself which is the hardest piece the pick up (if you're a dog) - actually - even if you're not a dog, imagine which to you would make the MOST sense to pick up. Got it? The stick part, right? Wouldn't that be the most logical place to wrap around your hand and grip the limb forcifully so as not to let it go? You guessed it, not little W.


She sniffs the stick, opens her mouth, and takes a chomp onto those silly little feather-pine-needle-ends and slaps the one or two smallest ones into her mouth and begins to drag. Don't ask me why, she honestly trips on it and reassesses her grip more frequently that walking in a straight line with it. Because it's so easy to trip on when walking, I thought, is that the fun in it? She must know that the stick is present, we can all hear it dragging on the pavement, and so why not try to bite the part that is easiest to carry? She could prance a lot easier, showing off her victory. Why make it harder on herself?


This is why the reflections began. As most people in my life know, I have been struggling with work (fomer and current) and education, among finding the personal niches in my life that make me happy, and feel present. So what if little W has it right? I take on the job that I once had, and expect it to be easy, to make me happy. Granted I like the people I work with, and the kids are as cute as any group of toddlers will be, but it's not what I am meant to do, I don't feel that kind of connection to it, so why choose it? Because it's easy? I went to college already, and yet I definitely took an easy route doing what I thought I enjoyed, not what I thought would get me somewhere economically. And now I find that without specific coursework in a career-altering world, there is no easy way to escape that reality. Have I made it harder waiting to apply to graduate school? Have I made it harder never taking certain courses that would help my acceptance? What of my hobbies? Thank goodness for this blog, it may be one of the only creative outlets I'm giving myself at the moment.


I'm a photographer. A reader. At times, a writer and poet. I like to shop, garden, and exercise. I'm getting into golf. Where are all those things? In the warmer months ahead? Why? I need to remember that sometimes the stick isn't what makes the walk of life more fun. Sometimes I need to just nuzzle into a bed of pine needles and get messy. Life is about efficiency, but it's also about challenge. And it's about fun. The day to day can be mundane, so it's okay to grab the rough end of it and muck on through, and be proud of what you have. The rest of it is with you, maybe dragging behind you, but it's there. The simpler stuff comes, once you remember the way in which you get there can involve all the mishaps and trips and prancing, along with the hard work and obtaining all you can. Prove to yourself you are capable.

savings

I'm not sure what kind of "savings fairy" was created this time of year to make us think that we would be helped - but whoever did think that March and April were to be particularly cruel instead, shame on you.


First off, daylight savings. So I have a little more sunlight guiding me home in the evening. For the time being, it's still an hour ride home, and in fact, it is almost consistently a 60 minute ride any of time my shift ends considering the mass of people that want to get out of work and enjoy the warmth. Who knew? Granted, there isn't much better than driving home with the windows down, music blaring, and just the air between my bare feet and the pedal as my worn shoes from a long day's work are nestled under my seat. Okay, daylight savings has its perks.


And yet, there is still some unforseen forces that occur when the hour "jumps ahead." What about the 10 children in our classroom every day that now have to adjust to a "new" lunch hour or nap time? There behaviors are by no means fluid, they're toddlers. But this lost hour has also skyrocketed this "terrible two" syndrome for the week, causing upturns in eating habits, tantrum throwing and the like. Surely it will be Friday tomorrow, and therefore the day should ideally go by quickly despite the (more?) chaotic week. Maybe parents will even come and pick up early! And by the following week, the kids should feel back to normal, so to speak, and just be back to their usual tantrum-throwing, newly discovered hitting, screaming selves. :)


What else is saved over the course of the spring? Certainly not one's sanity. And all the worse is what's known as the dreaded: tax season. Never have I had to accomplish this on my own. My own mom has been kind enough to cover each of my sister's and my taxes over the years, no major questions asked of us. And as college ended and "real life" began, we started to accumulate our own love-hate relationship with the IRS. Could it be simpler? Yes. But then what would happen to the field of accounting, right? And while there are years when you save a little through a deductible (horray for counting up mileage), the money refunded and the money one has to pay doesn't hardly matter when you examine the actual accumulated time spent on filling out forms and worksheets, and making sure the right copy of the right W2 is sent to federal not state, no which state? Sheesh. Knowing that this pile of procrastination waits for me at my office desk, I've saved hardly any room in this post to complain further about it.


So, be thankful for the extended sun, right? It doesn't save us from tiring our eyes, or feeling like the week's work is too long, and the nights are too short. But it may give us a little more light to ponder among the various neighbors outside, other dogs that are wandering the out in the park. And be thankful for the 15th of April to freaking get here already. Bring on the spring cleaning, and not just the cleaning out of someone's bank account, please.

when you see a robin

Today is one of those bright, sunny days, at about 50 degrees, when more than ever you can hear the birds singing away. Sure the nasty crows and honking geese are flying up overhead, but this time there are other chirps, other colors soaring about the blue sky. The robins are about the apartment complex, confusing poor little Windsor who just wants to play, but despite her pulling on the leash to chase them, it makes me happy thinking that Spring is actually just around the corner.


Mike's mom is visiting this weekend, and aside from her bringing along the sunshine, she is the first overnight visitor we have had with Windsor. And W loves the extra company! Nothing wrong with a little extra play time for a growing girl. The benefit of the springtime is that daylight savings is round the corner, just as Mike's mom happened to remind us. It will be so nice to come home with natural light on past the rush hour. Past the dinnertime. Just to be out and free without extra wear, such as a fleece or heavy sweatshirt, to be roaming the woods among the flickering sun and gentle not-so-harsh breezes, it is Spring kissing our backs, and our heels kicking up the edge of winter wears.


So at the park today, we happened to see that robin bouncing on the logs, on the grasses with her eyes just as flickering and proving in disbelief that we may have been fooled; that the sun is only passing among the gray clouds hovering behind her. Any yet, as the hours passed, there the sun and all her warmth, there the robin and her song stuck with us, guiding us on a memorable, restful day. A busy, extreme stretch of exercise, book-ended by the hints of Spring, and peaceful calm it evokes from a hard, untrusting soul. Thank you, Spring, please join us!


More deep breaths needed to pass through these months ahead.

just because

What a whirlwind the past couple of months have been, and there's no sign of it stopping!

Just want to shout out to Mike that I love you and our life together. Our Enchilada dinner was delicious tonight, yummm. And thanks for all your help with our little W.

Happy feasting to all!

closing time

Ohhhh, to relax. Yes, take it in - deep breath - ahhhhh.
How often does that happen?


Snow day number 2, today. For only the second time in 10 years has the daycare closed for an entire day of work. But, for two days in a row? Apparently insane weather must be happening, and we're receiving the benefit of this stormy week by staying home for some snow days! I know, it sounds so enticing and glorious and all things magical that hot chocolate and sledding bring about. But, let me remind you - I'm not in school, I just work there! And so, responsibilities you never had to worry about when meeting your neighbor in the middle of the street to play some winter capture-the-flag, or have a snowball fight, those responsibilities you vaguely remember seeing your mom orchestrate, have come back to haunt you.


Let my lack of going to the gym lately, for instance, not fool you. I have worked out plenty, just not under the roof of an organized facility with weights, treadmills, and meatheads. Aside from walking running and tuckering out with Windsor and all her puppy-antics, Philadelphia has been hit, and hit hard with snow. Just last weekend we got around 20 inches, and then three days later, this Wednesday into Thursday we got another 20 or so. Shoveling 6 cars in less than a week (4 in the past two days), has proven to be very, very tiresome. Back aches are not overrated. But shoveling with guts and glory to get the job done can make the bach ache overlooked. So I am thankful that the past shoveling escapades have not been lonely, either. Whether we were digging out the cars to go to work, or just to break up the day, there have been plenty of neighborhood friends out and about with their (real) shovels doing the same. And fortunately, their efforts keep them motivated enough to come by and assist us, and trust me, I am so grateful! I am proud of the way I can dig out a car, but to do it in half the time, means a lot!


It's eerie to see how stranded we get when a snow like this does occur. Growing up in Maine, I remember most winters with lots of snow. I remember waiting for the school bus one day, standing in about 6 inches, with more snow coming down on us, and our neighbors down the street screaming, "Guess what? School got canceled!" Elated, my sisters and I started our tundra tumble back home which smelled of firewood and chicken soup - only to be cast back to our stop when the boys snickered yelling, "Just kidding!"


Then there was the Ice Storm of '98. Wow, that is a distant memory. We were one of the lucky families on our side of town who only lost power for four days. Others in Maine were without for over two weeks. Sheets of ice just covered every inch around us, and packed down the snow so much that my sisters and I were literally riding bicycles out ON the fields behind our house. Seriously, we have pictures to prove it.


But here in PA, though still a part of the Northeast, the city of Philadelphia and neighboring suburbs are so frequently sans-snow even in the midst of winter, that a New England dusting (1-3 inches) will cause schools to cancel classes and extracirricular activities even the night before the snow accumulates! At first I laughed seeing schools close over such a small amount. I mean it's like your parents tell you how they, "walked uphill both ways in the snow." That's how I feel! And part of this is Maine, or choosing to attend Syracuse where snowfall was not only a season, but a second mascot to Otto the Orange. I mean snow happens, but you deal with it.


So, this morning when I got another phone call about not going into work because of snow, I smiled for two reasons. One, c'mon, Philly we can do this. Second, hey a day off, despite the shoveling, is still a day off. And when you're working full-time no matter what you do, any day to kick up your feet is appreciated. Now we just need to get people around here used to the fact that the groundhog did see his shadow, so we've got about 5 more weeks of this stormy weather! Time to go out and buy that pair of boots and ice scraper you never thought you would need. Until then, time to take Windsor out for a romp in the snow! Love that it is taller than she is, and she couldn't care less. That's what snow days should feel like.